Meta Vie

The Buddhism of Puppy Training

2012-01-28T17:15:00.000-08:00

Just before he attained enlightenment under the Bo Tree, triumphing over Mara's final questions and temptations, the Buddha touched the ground with his right fingertip, and the Earth spoke, "I bear you witness!" He was seated on the ground, and his final triumphant strength came from the ground.

Learning more about the Earth based spiritual traditions in my interfaith seminary program is reaffirming my own practice of connecting to nature for spiritual renewal, and strengthening my respect for the Earth's inherent power and wisdom. In one of our meditations, we were instructed to wait in silence in the midst of a visualization, until we were given a word. The word I heard in my mind was, "Humble." We were instructed to meditate on the word we received over the course of a month. Three weeks later, I read this very fitting revelation: "The root of the word *humble* means earth, or ground. To be humble, then, is to be *grounded*." (Scott Noelle, www.enjoyparenting.com)

I have been reading about Buddhism this weekend. I have taken some courses in Buddhist meditation and Eastern philosophy, and I have used a lot of Buddhist teaching in my own healing process, so I am already coming into the Buddhism reading convinced of the truth and efficacy of Buddhist thought. Buddha's way is certainly grounded. There is nothing supernatural, ethereal, magical, metaphysical or otherworldly in original Buddhism. Buddha's teachings offer concrete solutions to eternal human problems. And sitting under that bodhi tree as he did, the Buddha started out *grounded*.

In addition to reading about Buddhism this weekend, I am house-training a puppy. That means spending a great deal of time outside, walking around, running around and waiting with my animal. It also means getting tuned in to the things that drive a puppy's behavior, like instinct, scent, routine, cycles, body language, sounds and eye contact. I am also closely watching the way my puppy interacts with grass, dirt, sticks, ice and whatever else she finds outside. Training a puppy is grounding (and humbling). In connecting with her, I am connecting with the Earth and its rules. I am being pulled back down to the practical, natural ways of being. It makes me think of what I am learning about the Earth based traditions and Buddhism. It is life in the now, and it is a reduction of distractions. It is closer to pure being than the way many of us expend our thought energy.

On that thought, I am headed back outside with my puppy. Maybe we'll look at the night sky until she relieves herself. Grounding. Humbling. Peaceful.

Dog Blog--The Teacher

2012-01-26T19:53:00.000-08:00

Today was new puppy day! Basil, our Alusky (Siberian Husky/Malamute mix) is home with us, at last. She seemed at ease right away, playing, being very affectionate, peeing outside, adjusting to a collar and leash and sleeping. Can I just say: dogs are very grounding creatures! I knew that Basil would be a very grounding, stabilizing influence for me, but feeling her presence in my home and welcoming that experience exceeded my expectations.

This is day 4 of my Sadhana, practicing the "inner conflict resolver reflex" (a breathing exercise that I am finding mostly excruciating) and going cold turkey on my compulsions. Oddly enough, blogging has not been a compulsion so I am allowing it and enjoying it. I have been true to giving up Facebook and letting my husband post my blog links. It feels strange not having the app on my Iphone. I don't really use Twitter, but I have that app on my phone so I admit that I have checked it a few times, just to read some articles in the bathroom (TMI). But it hasn't gotten compulsive.

I am so glad that I finally listened to my inner guidance telling me to pay attention to my behaviors and drop my compulsions. I fully admit that I was using my compulsions to escape anxiety. Momentary resistance to what is, non-acceptance of the experience of the present moment, and a pressing desire to perform some action that brings relief; that is anxiety, more or less. So in those instances, I was either, a) checking Facebook, b) checking e-mail, or c) smoking a cigarette three times a day, as some sort of purposefully toxic OCD ritual.

Something else I was doing to escape anxiety, which was rising to the level of compulsion, was what I call "confessing;" divulging details of my innermost thoughts, memories and internal conflicts to people I considered, for whatever reason, to be in some position of authority. When I was able to step back and look at what I was doing, I wondered why I don't give myself more credit. Why would I feel the need for someone else to opine on my thoughts? 1. Thoughts are thoughts, and nothing more. (I am not my thoughts). 2. Unless I can add something beneficial by sharing it with others, my internal world is mine alone, just for me.

Where does blogging fit in? This is the type of sharing that could somehow benefit someone else. Maybe someone reading this suffers from anxiety. Maybe she also has some persistent habits. My honesty may encourage her somehow.

Now I am going back to cuddling with my new puppy. With her, I have to be in the moment, just as I do with my children. And training her will be a grounding experience for me. According to Native American spirituality, the animals in our lives do not come to us by accident. They are some of our greatest teachers. I have a pretty good idea what some of my first lessons are going to be.

Four Steps to Eliminate Hurtful Speech

2012-01-25T10:53:00.000-08:00

“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” Thus reads the Ninth Commandment. An expanded interpretation of this commandment can help us to reduce gossip and hurtful talk in our lives, as the author and psychotherapist Leonard Felder teaches in his book, The Ten Challenges; practically and diligently applied, it will bring us loving restraint and mindfulness in all of our communication.

Just this week, I commenced a 40 day Sadhana based on self-control and restraint in my communication. In combination with my focused meditation practice each day, I am giving up Facebook, incessant e-mail checking and all frivolous communication, whether written or verbal. It is only day 3 of my Sadhana, so I am still very gung-ho and am feeling quite inspired. However, I realize that a dedicated and mindful application of the Ninth Commandment in my life is a commitment that (hopefully) lasts longer than 40 days; it is a life-long undertaking and I wish for my present incarnation to last a bit longer than 37 more days!

We have all been hurt by “gossip and hurtful talk,” coming not only from others against us, but also from ourselves against ourselves. I believe very firmly that the seed of our hurtful talk lies in that place in our minds that churns out negative thoughts about our own self.

It goes like this: one day I wake up hearing a little voice in my head that says, “You are not good enough. You need to stop eating sugar today. You are lazy. You overslept. You aren’t going to have time to look your best today. Think about your friend Jennifer. She always looks perfect. You don’t look perfect,” and that voice gets covered up and pushed into the background by daily activities, but if I stop and listen to it, it just keeps talking, on and on. And no one else hears it. So no one else can tell it to shut up. I have to do it. And when I don’t shut that voice up, it starts to spill out of my mouth, in the form of hurtful words about: you got it! Other people!

I may see someone else that day looking at me askance, and I may look back at that person and start criticizing him in my mind, harmonizing with that voice that has been criticizing me. I may say to my husband seated next to me, “Would you look at that guy? My God, does he ever smile? What a gloomy asshole!” And I might be talking to someone else I know in common with that man, and I might say, “Have you ever had a truly pleasant conversation with that man?” And in that moment, I might get some kind of momentary satisfaction from venting about that man to someone else who knows him. But everyone in that exchange loses: I lose, because I am just amplifying the critical, hurtful voices in my mind rather than quieting them. The listener loses because their perception of the man I spoke about becomes colored by my negative words, and also because they absorb the negative energy of what I said. And certainly, the man I spoke negatively about loses, because we have just added to the negative thought energy surrounding him, which is probably making it even more difficult for him to respond cheerfully to other people. And it is in this way that our negativity about ourselves just snowballs, creating a big negative energy field in our homes and in our communities. We have the power to stop this from happening! We really can nip hurtful talk in the bud!

Here is a time-tested prescription for putting a lid on gossip and hurtful talk. I have personally tested it. It works. I don't do this all of the time, but I am doing it more and more. These are habits that can become second nature:

1. Be very aware of your thoughts;

2. When you pick up on negative inner chatter about yourself, just listen to it for a bit, accept it, then step back and let it go. Don’t freeze and panic and try to clamp down on it. Just listen intently for a little bit… and sit up in your objective seat in your mind…and then watch that chatter just peter out and walk right out the door of your mind, just like it walked in. In other words, don’t identify with that negative chatter, and it will lose its power over you;

3. When you feel tempted to say anything at all about another person, stop yourself before you open your mouth. This is not as easy as it sounds. In order to practice doing this, it’s a good idea to stop yourself before you say anything at all, just to get in the habit of stopping. So when you stop, you will have grabbed ahold of a single thought. Once you have caught it in your thought net, look at it and see if it looks like any other thoughts you have been noticing lately. If it looks anything like any of the negative thoughts you were listening to earlier, when you were sitting up in your objective seat, then it’s another thought that you can let go. Let it walk out, and you will have stopped yourself from uttering hurtful talk. Finally, here is a way to start repairing all of that negative karma you have thrown out into your family and community through past hurtful talk:

4. Get quiet and still, during prayer and/or meditation, and then apologize; first, apologize to yourself for your negative attitude towards you, then envision the people, one by one, that you have gossiped or talked negatively about in the past; as an image of each of these people comes into your mind, focus your concentration on that image and when you are ready, tell that person how sorry you are about what you said; once you sense that the person has received your apology (you may not sense this, and indeed, that person may not receive the apology yet), then send that person love and support, visualizing brilliant, glowing light surrounding him or her.

If you follow the four steps above, not only will you greatly curb your instinct to gossip or engage in hurtful talk, you will also begin to repair the negative impact of your hurtful words from the past. The final step, of energetically repairing harm that has been done, can take a while, so do not force it. If you still feel aversion for a person you have hurt with your negative words, you will have to work with letting that aversion go before anything can be repaired. Meditation and prayer will get you there more quickly than just letting time take its course. You will know when you are ready to go back and heal the hurt, within yourself and surrounding that other individual. And when you send him or her love and light, you will both feel it. The feeling may not be conscious, but you will notice the next time you see or hear from that person that something has shifted. If not; go back and do the final step over again.

I do not believe that negative words are like "feathers in the wind.” To some extent, the ripple effect of the words will continue indefinitely and run its course, but if we use our power to energetically heal the hurt that was caused, we can make a huge impact. As Leonard Felder points out in the ninth chapter of The Ten Challenges, our “inner intention” matters exponentially more than the external result of our speech. The energy at the heart of any action is what we need to work with. Developing awareness of how our words are either meant for “harm or good” is key to the elimination of gossip and hurtful talk.

Spirituality and Self-Control

2012-01-24T12:50:00.000-08:00

Very often, when God is speaking to you through your intuition, you will get all kinds of confirmation of what you've been hearing...until you decide to act! This is what has happened to me over the past week.

It all started one week ago when I went to yoga class. The teacher, Cara Sax, told us about a 40 Day Community Sadhana being sponsored by The Yoga Co-Op at The Garrison. A Sadhana is a discipline undertaken for a set period of time, in pursuit of a goal. I tried a 40 day Sadhana in the past and I failed. Each time you miss a day, you have to start over. I kept missing days. So when I heard about another chance at a community Sadhana, I listened. Cara told us that she will focus on Saucha, the first of Patanjali's niyamah (observances) in the Yoga Sutras. Saucha translates as purity or cleanliness. Cara explained to us that it means not only physical and environmental purity, but also purity of thought. I started thinking about committing to the niyamah, and the spiritual practice of developing self-control.

I have never thought of myself as someone who struggled with self-control--until recently. I have never been an addicted smoker, drug user, alcoholic or yo-yo dieter. My weight has been fairly consistent and I do not overeat. However, in 2011 when a Mom friend brought her cigarettes to my house and wanted to step outside with me and smoke one while our kids played in the backyard, I smoked with her. That was in April. Over the remainder of the year, I smoked 2 or 3 cigarettes per day. I was playing a little game with myself, as I have at various times throughout my life, seeing if I could smoke a few cigarettes without developing an addiction. How very "un-yoga" of me, right? So I committed to give up my little habit in 2012. I haven't smoked any cigarettes so far this year, and I only missed them for 10 days or so. But, I have had a nagging feeling that I need to give up some other stuff, too. Like: Facebook; Checking e-mail on my Iphone throughout the day; and, compulsively confessing all of my inner conflicts about my interfaith seminary program to my closest family members and my pastor. Basically, I have been on communication overload, and I need to back off and go within for awhile.

The 40 Day Community Sadhana could not come at a better time for me. On Cara's recommendation, I contacted Siri Chand Kaur for a 40 day disciplined meditation practice based on my goals. I told her I want to focus on restraint and self-control in communication. She got back to me with a meditation practice that is short enough to fit it into my schedule every day, yet difficult enough to really kick my self-control and inner power into gear. Here is a link to my new 40 day meditation practice:
http://www.yogibhajan.org/ybkriyas/index.php?id=101
Here is a link to Siri Chand's blog: http://manymoonsyoga.wordpress.com/

My meditation practice is basically a breath control exercise, which requires me to repeatedly hold out my breath three times as long as it held in, for at least 11 minutes. It is more challenging than I thought it would be! Today, the second day, was much easier since I knew what feeling to expect. Yesterday my body was resisting the practice quite a bit. I wonder what it will feel like on the 40th day. I plan to build up the practice by one minute, every other day. So tomorrow I will try 12 minutes.

Over the next 38 days, in addition to the daily breath exercises, I plan to give up a few other things: 1. Facebook. I am taking the app off of my Iphone and will ask my husband to post my blog entries on it; 2. E-mail, other than checking it twice per day for school and work related reasons; and 3. All frivolous communication. I will make a conscious effort each time I speak or write anything, to make sure that the communication comes from a place of authenticity and necessity. This may sound a bit extreme, however, I feel very strongly that I need to commit to this practice...right now.

I received direct confirmation of my desire to undertake this practice, in various conversations I have had over the past week, and in an article I was assigned to read for my volunteer chaplaincy class: Conquering Addiction with Spirituality. In the article, reference is made to the practice of fasting. I have been considering an electronic fast for months. When I thought about my own addictive behaviors, this quote jumped out at me: "When a person's inner self becomes damaged or distorted, their spirituality can become damaged or distorted, resulting in addictive and self-destructive behavior." I feel like excessive electronic communication and superficial communication is distorting my inner self. So I am kicking those habits to the curb. I hope I can gain increased self-control through this practice, along with some good habits that will inform the way I communicate for the rest of my life.

Wish me luck.

On Hinduism

2012-01-22T15:07:00.000-08:00

Below are the contents of my open-book exam on Hinduism. I am sharing this here for anyone like me, who is looking to broaden her knowledge and experience of the world's faiths. As a yogini, this one is particularly meaningful for me, however I must include the disclaimer that my study program is not academic in nature; while the information contained herein is very likely accurate, it is necessarily schematic and superficial. It is based on initial study and personal reflection. Hinduism has been a personal interest of mine for 20 years, and in our program we attempt to bring respect and diligent effort to the study of many faiths; therefore, in spite of the superficial presentation of this information, I hope that someone can find it inspirational.

1. What are the four desires Hinduism recognizes? What, if anything, surprises you about these desires? Which one is the most meaningful for you, personally?

The four desires are Pleasure, Worldly Success, Duty, and Liberation. Truthfully, nothing surprises me about the desires that drive humans. I feel that all of my actions have resulted from these desires and as I age I am moving further up the rung of desires so that I can base a greater number of my actions on achieving the goal of Moksha, or liberation. Liberation is most certainly the most meaningful for me, personally. I have been very disillusioned with the pursuit of worldly success. I am able to achieve goals that I pursue diligently and have proven to myself that I can compete in the world, but I have always disdained competition, from childhood. Duty is becoming more appealing to me. I like volunteering and serving my community. I am always a sucker for pleasure, and I am not ashamed of this. However, liberation is what my soul truly seeks.

2. Describe the difference between Jnana Yoga, Bhakti Yoga, Karma Yoga and Raja Yoga; describe how each one can be practiced. If you had to choose one, what would your path be?

Jnana Yoga is “the path to the [Divine] through Knowledge,” as described by Huston Smith. It is the transcendent, transpersonal path to God, passing first through the intellect in order to subdue the mind, and arriving at the center of being and Oneness with All. Jnana Yoga is the steepest path, followed by the most ardent philosophers. The Jnani walks this path by training the mind with intense dedication and precision. First, the Jnani studies philosophy, theology, and sacred scripture. Second, the Jnani studies herself. Third, the Jnani connects with the Eternal in herself, via spiritual practice. She begins to see more deeply. She begins to understand not only with the mind, but with the deepest part of her being, that there is truly no separation. In the end, the Jnani merges with God and with All. The veil lifts and being shifts into the Eternal.

Bhakti Yoga is the path to the Divine through love and devotion. It is the path of the lover of God, deeply personal and emotional. This path stands in apparent opposition to the Jnana path, because of its personal rather than transpersonal approach to the Divine. According to the way of the Bhakta, the Divine is the ultimate Other whom we are called to seek, worship and adore with all our hearts, with all we are.

The Bhakti walks her path with her hand in the hand of the Divine, building upon her devotion with each step. She is ruled by Love, and carried by the flow of Love for the Divine, into the Ocean of Love. Following her deepest longing and dedicating her life to the Divine, her thoughts and actions are devoted to achieving union with her Beloved.

Karma Yoga: This is the path to the Divine through work. The Karma Yogini acts tirelessly, seeking union with God through dedicating the substance of her actions to the Divine. This is not the way of the dreamer or the philosopher. This is the way of the busy and selfless servant. The Karma Yogini transcends her finite existence through losing herself in her work. “Like the center of a rapidly spinning wheel, they seem still-emotionally still-even when they are intensely busy. It is like the stillness of absolute motion.” This is my favorite quote from Huston Smith’s description of Karma Yoga. I imagine the selfless director of an orphanage, working day and night in the service of needy children, running after them and teaching them, clothing them, feeding them and protecting them. This orphanage director also spends countless hours working in her office, preparing adoption paperwork, applying for grants and keeping track of every detail about each child she shelters. In this work, the work of her life, she achieves union with God.

Raja Yoga: This is the path for the person of “scientific bent.” Raja Yoga is practiced through completing “psychophysical” exercises in succession. The method involves the whole person, an entrainment of the mind and body to reach the depths of the soul. A Raja Yogini will have a dedicated Asana practice and a rigorous meditation schedule that will afford her great self-awareness as well as increased comfort in the physical and mental bodies. This path is less heady than the Jnana path and less emotional than the Bhakti path, while it is also more mental in nature than the Karmic path. It appears to be a blend of the other three paths, with a more precise focus on meditation. I know that it is supposed be distinct from the other three, but I see elements of each of them in Raja Yoga. I think that modern yogis and yoginis are mostly walking the Raja path. I include myself in that group, although I am a Jnani at heart. So I would choose Jnana if I had to choose; but practically speaking, I am following the Raja path.

3. Describe:

A. Samsara: The endless cycle of death and rebirth in this physical realm. Samsara ends in the attainment of Moksha (liberation).

B. Karma: The doctrine of Karma is closely related to the Western concept of the law of cause and effect. Karma is action and the fruits of action. Karma exists in conjunction with Samsara; Karma perpetuates Samsara. We cannot escape from the spiritual law of reaping that which we sow. We reap in experiences that which we sow in thought and action.

C. Maya: Maya is the direct experience of the sensory stimuli that surround us as human beings. Maya is what we perceive of our environment with our senses. It is not the true nature of reality, but it is what appears to us through our sense organs and the perceiving aspects of our minds.

D. Lila: This is “God’s play,” the spontaneous, creative manifestations of the Divine in the Universe. We cannot discern any rhyme or reason within Lila, as it is the playful, free will of the Divine unfolding in the Universe.

4. Choose one sentence in Ramakrishna’s statement (“Many Paths to the Same Summit”) that is particularly important to you and summarize it in your own words.

“Bow down and worship where others kneel, for where so many have been paying the tribute of adoration the kind Lord must manifest himself, for he is all mercy.” As children of the Creator and followers of our chosen paths to the Divine, we are all one in the family of God. We can worship with all of our hearts, in complete confidence, in any setting. I can pray to Adonai in a synagogue, a mosque, a Hindu temple, a yoga studio, a Catholic church, a Protestant church, or standing next to the Ocean. I see the entirety of humanity as my brothers and sisters. I know that my Lord is with me wherever any are gathered in honor of any form of the Divine.

5. What is the one most important aspect of Hinduism that resonates for you?

The aspect of Hinduism which resonates the most for me is the belief in one God, Brahman, from which everything flows, and Who becomes incarnate on Earth for the salvation of humankind. From the Bhagavad Gita: “Than Me no other higher thing whatsoever exists,[…], On Me all this (universe) is strung, Like heaps of pearls on a string” (VII; 7). “For whenever of the right a languishing appears, […]A rising up of unright, Then I send Myself forth. For protection of the good, And for destruction of evil-doers, To make a firm footing for the right, I come into being in age after age. My wondrous birth and actions, Whoso knows thus as they truly are, On leaving the body, to rebirth he goes not; to Me he goes, Arjuna!” (IV;7-9).

6. Identify the following names:

Arjuna: He was a great warrior and the friend and brother-in-law of Lord Krishna. The Bhagavad Gita is the lesson given by Krishna to Arjuna before the great battle of Kurukshetra.

Krishna: Lord Krishna is the incarnation of the Divine most dear to the hearts of Hindus and Yogis. I love Krishna. He is the brother of Jesus Christ (to me, and to many of us). He is the eighth and complete avatar of Vishnu, the Preserver. He is the voice behind the Bhagavad Gita. Gopala is the infant form of Krishna. Hence, I see Gopala as the brother of Baby Jesus. Krishna was God made man. According to the Gita, all incarnations are from the same God (Brahman), and I believe this to be true. They are one in the same Spirit.

Kali: She is the Destroyer Goddess, wife of Shiva. Kali destroys the power of the Finite so that we may unite with the Infinite. She is to be greatly revered and her love is fierce. She is often depicted standing on the body of Shiva, sword in hand. When I envision Kali, I see a magnificent fire breathing beast with black clouds behind her.

Lakshmi: She is the Hindu Goddess who embodies grace, beauty and charm. She is celebrated principally at the Hindu festival of Diwali. She is the principal Goddess of abundance, both material and ethereal, as well as the Goddess of fertility.

Mohandas (“Mahatma”) Gandhi: Mahatma means, “Great Soul.” Mohandas Gandhi was the greatest political and ideological leader of India during her rise to independence. He is principally known for his doctrine and practice of non-violent resistance to tyranny. He was an international champion of civil rights and women’s rights and tirelessly fought for justice throughout his life. It is very difficult to give any kind of an accurate description of Gandhi’s life without going into several pages of detail. Suffice it to say, he should be declared a Saint by every faith. My favorite Gandhi quote is “You must be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

Ramakrishna: He was “the greatest Hindu saint of the nineteenth century.” He was an interfaith pioneer. In our training, we should all give a daily thought of gratitude to Ramakrishna for the work he did in furtherance of interfaith understanding. He was a brilliant mystic, who studied Tantra, Bhakti Yoga and non-dual meditation among all of his other Hindu training. He was a Hindu priest. He also spent parts of his life following Islam and Christianity.

7. Write a response to a selection of your choice from the Bhagavad Gita or other sacred Hindu text.

I have chosen Chapter II, verses 11-25. Quoting from Franklin Edgerton’s commentary in his translation: “Arjuna sees in the ranks of the opposing army a large number of his own kinsmen and intimate friends. He is horror-stricken at the thought of fighting against them, and forthwith lays down his weapons, saying he would rather be killed than kill them.” Krishna then speaks to Arjuna of the imperishability of the soul, the impermanence of the body, and the illusion of being passing into non-being.

“Thou hast mourned those who should not be mourned, and yet thou speakest words about wisdom! Dead and living men the truly learned do not mourn. But not in any respect was I (ever) not, nor thou, nor these kings; And not at all shall we ever come not to be, all of us, henceforward. As to the embodied (soul) in this body come childhood, youth, old age, so the coming to another body; The wise man is not confused herein. But contacts with matter, son of Kunti, cause cold and heat, pleasure and pain; They come and go and are impermanent; Put up with them, son of Bharata! For whom these contacts do not cause to waver, the man, O bull of men, to whom pleasure and pain are alike, the wise, he is fit for immortality. Of what is not, no coming to be occurs; No coming not to be occurs of what is; But the dividing line of both is seen, of these two, by those who see the truth. But know that this is indestructible, by which this all is pervaded; Destruction of this imperishable one no one can cause. These bodies come to an end, it is declared, of the eternal embodied (soul), which is indestructible and unfathomable. Therefore fight, son of Bharata! Who believes him a slayer, and who thinks him slain, both these understand not: He slays not, is not slain. Who knows as indestructible and eternal this unborn, imperishable one, that man, son of Prtha, how can he slay or cause to slay—whom? As leaving aside worn-out garments, a man takes other, new ones, so leaving aside worn-out bodies to other, new ones goes the embodied (soul). Swords cut him not, fire burns him not, water wets him not, wind dries him not. Not to be cut is he, not to be burnt is he, not to be wet nor yet dried; Eternal, omnipresent, fixed, immovable, everlasting is he. Unmanifest he, unthinkable he, unchangeable he is declared to be; Therefore knowing him thus thou shouldst not mourn him.”

I chose this passage because it brought peace and joy to my soul. I recognized these words as truth. These are words that echo my inner knowing of my own nature. We are truly free beings if we can let go of fear. As Jesus says in Luke 12;4, “…do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more.” As Krishna and Jesus teach, how wonderful for us to be able to get out from under the fear of losing our bodies to death. How wonderful for us to truly know that our souls are eternal, that fire burns us not. And from this seed of truth we can begin to develop equanimity, that supreme giver of inner peace. As we learn to sit in meditation in the presence of the Holy One, we can begin to shed layer upon layer of aversion and attachment. We can continually grow in inner strength, our minds coming more and more into alignment with our imperishable souls for whom pleasure and pain are truly indifferent; because our souls are rooted, seated, forever secure in the foundation of the Almighty. I had a vivid dream as a young child in which I saw masked robbers celebrating in Heaven around an immense, golden fountain. I knew then that life after death includes everyone, and our Earthly notions of Good vs. Evil and Pleasure vs. Pain no longer apply, as they do in this Earthly realm. I believe that there is a realm where the limitations of our physical bodies no longer hold us back. In this realm, we are joined with the Divine. I do personally believe in reincarnation, but I also believe in the ceasing of Samsara, a time when we will no longer be embodied souls. As it is written in the Koran, “To God we belong, to Him is our return.” God created us from Himself, and as He has always existed, so have we always existed. We do not pass from non-being into being, nor do we pass from being into non-being. Hinduism and Buddhism teach us that such a passage is an illusion. We are temporarily tied to our physical bodies, yet as spiritual beings we come to increase our faith in the Divine, and as our faith grows, so our deeper knowledge grows. And we develop the strength and courage to “put up with” heat and cold, pleasure and pain, clinging to that which is permanent. The path truly does grower brighter and brighter to the full day of our enlightenment.

WWrite a description/impression of your site visit/experiential this month:

The description below was prompted by my visits to a Hanuman Temple in Watsonville, California. I visited that temple in January of 2010. Since that time, my knowledge of Hinduism and Yoga has progressed quite a bit, however I feel like I picked up the particular divine energy of that place during my visit. I was staying for several nights in a cabin just up the hill from the temple. I awoke to the sound of the bells ringing in the temple each morning of my retreat. I felt a distinct Holy presence during my entire stay at Mount Madonna (the location of the retreat). I saw many Hindus in traditional dress making a pilgrimage to the temple. I now realize that the Hanuman temple was where I experienced my first kirtan (chanting the Hanuman chalisa). Since then, I have chanted in an audience with Krishna Das, in my yoga classes, and in a local kirtan group. I sometimes chant mantras in Sanskrit before I meditate. My children like to chant mantras as well, even though they don’t yet realize what they are doing. They chant, “Wahe guru wahe guru wahe guru,” and “Gobinda Gobinda Hari Hari.” I love it. There were families with young children in the Hanuman temple, and we sat on the floor for worship. I felt at home. I plan to visit the Ganesha Temple in Queens, but I am including this site description in my homework in case I don’t get the chance to write up my Ganesha experience before class. I dearly loved the Hanuman temple and plan to return to Mount Madonna Center.

“The Sankat Mochan Hanuman Temple is a sacred place of worship used primarily by the residents of the community and many Hindu visitors, although it is open to the public. As the name implies, the temple is dedicated to Hanuman, a Hindu deity. Hanuman is sometimes referred to as The Monkey God. I was told that his primary quality is selfless service, as reflected in the values of the Mount Madonna Center. As a visitor, I was invited to attend two daily services, one at 6:30 a.m. and the other at 6:00 p.m. I attended three of the evening services. These were joyful experiences of praise and worship of the Divine, complete with various musical instruments and beautiful bells hanging at multiple points across the entrance, perimeter and covering of the open air temple. I especially enjoyed ringing the bells. I also sang, or attempted to sing songs of praise which had been thoughtfully written out in the English alphabet with various accent marks to assist in pronunciation. I was invigorated and inspired by these rhythmic chants, which I believe were the Hanuman Arati. I plan to buy a CD containing the Hanuman Arati and the Hanuman Chalisa. At the end of the service, everyone was invited to receive the tilak forehead mark and to partake of the Prasad, which consisted of sweet foods placed into the hands to be immediately consumed. We were then invited to partake of blessed fruit from a large basket. I interpreted this as receiving the bounty provided for us by the Divine following our material offerings along with our offerings of prayer and worship. I loved the beauty and simplicity of the service and appreciated being allowed into a Hanuman temple as a woman since this is forbidden in orthodox Hindu practice.”

Embodied Spiritual Practice: Yielding to the Flow of Grace

2012-01-15T13:46:00.000-08:00

It has been two years since I started attending Mary-Ann Mastreani's yoga classes in Irvington, NY. Mary-Ann has greatly inspired me with the example of her embodied spiritual practice. After one class, I overheard another student telling her something that I have often thought: "I love coming to your classes. I listen to what you say, but your message flows through your movement, and even the sound of your voice is healing."

My church pastor, Anthony Stephens, recently wrote to our congregation about embodied spiritual practice. Living out our faith is holistic, empowering and transformational; we have to jump in, mind, body and soul. What good is disembodied spirituality in a material world? When we connect to Spirit on a deep level, we power up our minds and bodies. As we grow spiritually, the light of God will shine through our eyes, our skin, our speech, our voice, our physical movements. We will step into our power as new creatures. Christians refer to this transformation as a "new birth." A Jewish friend once said to me about a Christian woman we know, "When she smiles, I see the light of Christ in her face." That's a powerful testimony.

When I think about embodied spirituality, my teacher Mary-Ann definitely comes to mind. As I see her, she is a spiritual warrior. She spoke freely to our class about her 10 day silent meditation retreat in 2011. She has shared with us the fruits of her vipassana meditation practice as she helps herself and others to defeat our maras. Her dharma talks and the readings she chooses always tie into the asana practice she demonstrates. Her practice is characteristically strong and graceful. The substance of each of her lessons is expressed through movement, and this, for me, is a new way of approaching my spiritual practice.

My pastor has also exemplified an embodied spiritual practice through participating in marathons, triathlons, karate and more recently, yoga. I have heard him and other runners I know speak about running as a meditative practice.

My husband Jamie is a lifelong swimmer, and has told me that swimming is similar to yoga for him, in that it calms and restrains the mind.

To keep my spiritual practice embodied, I now set physical goals that link up to my spiritual goals. I have recently worked on opening my heart. In the Bible, there are many references to the "hardness of [our] hearts;" yogis speak often of healing and opening through the heart. Spiritually, we can open our hearts through prayer, heart-to-heart communication with God and with others, laughing and crying (allowing emotion to flow), singing and chanting. As my heart opens, my asana practice changes; the heart based poses start opening up to me. This is an ongoing process. When I first came to yoga, I had a back injury. Back-bending was not happening for me. Over the course of several years, I am finding great relief and release through camel (ustrasana), wheel (urdhva dhanurasana), locust (shalabhasana) and bow pose (dhanurasana).

For 2012, my spiritual goals are boldness and confidence. "Be strong, be bold, don't be afraid or frightened of them, for ADONAI your God is going with you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you" (Deuteronomy 31:6). I pray this year for the strength and courage to walk my path upright, without fear. In my asana practice, this will translate into stronger inversions and arm balances. Because of fear, I still do my headstand practice (sirsasana) next to a wall, but my goal is to practice it unsupported going forward.   I also hope to overcome my fear of arm balances which is holding back my practice.

A woman in my church congregation has recently opened up about her struggle with cancer, and how she has been sustained through spiritual practice and the support of other believers. She says she is now stronger than ever, in mind, body and spirit. I know that others in her church and yoga communities are inspired by her example. She is now opening up to the new possibilities born of emerging from illness.

Following my prolonged illness with Lyme disease diagnosed in late stages, and having suffered from the resulting nerve damage on the left side of my body, I can relate very much to a feeling of mental, physical and spiritual transformation. I am not who I was before. But neither are any of us. No matter how static our lives may appear to us, and no matter how well we think we know ourselves... we must be reminded that the only constant is change. We are constantly being transformed, whether we like it or not. We have the power to decide if we want that transformation to occur in accordance with our Higher Selves. Ultimately our bodies will succumb to decay, but we can always grow in spirit, reaching ever new heights. In closing, please find below the song lyrics that Mary-Ann Mastreani read to our class last Wednesday. I thought of these words today when I heard my pastor speak about finding a new calling in life, and then saw what another parishioner wrote about finding a new purpose following illness. This is a recurring theme everywhere I go!

The only constant is change. The only constant is change. Go...

The human heart is born without legs, sliding back and forth,
And never once does it truly rest, unless accompanied by death... Sliding back and forth.

Even the strongest remnants of history, they have begun to crumble against time.
Sliding back and forth.

The only constant is change. Nothing remains the same.
The only constant is change. There's only growth or decay.

Let's go... Unvarying scenes only found in pictures can never breathe life.
For nowhere else does level ground exist, unless it has been captured by a flash of steady light.

Sliding back and forth,
The only constant is change. Uncertainty awaits.
The only constant is change. There's only growth or decay...
The only constant is change.

There is nothing that stays the same, from the foundation of our lives.
There is nothing that stays the same. There is nothing to erase time.

The only constant is change. Nothing remains the same.
The only constant is change. There's only growth or decay...
The only constant is change. The only constant is change.

(Lyrics from the song, The Only Constant is Change, by the band: As I Lay Dying)

(Image by Bethany Webb, creativeyogini.com)

To Worship in Spirit and Truth

2012-01-02T09:31:00.000-08:00

What does it mean to worship? Is there a right or wrong way to worship God? When believers of one faith are in contact with people who follow another belief system, everyone involved can benefit from the interaction. Interfaith dialogue is an opportunity to connect more deeply with our own faith practices as we simultaneously expand our understanding of one another.

In my interfaith seminary program, I am required to visit a variety of religious sites, approaching the multiplicity of faith practices in our world with respect and an open mind. As I do this, I am also staying grounded in my own faith practices through my church and through my yoga classes.

It is exciting to exchange perspectives with spiritual practitioners from each of these three arenas. I am finding that when we can move away from assumptions and culturally biased interpretations, we are more similar than dissimilar when it comes to acts of reverence for the Divine.

One recent discussion centered on our human tendency to evaluate worship. We raised the question of worship as entertainment. As I thought about the phenomenon of the Mega-Church, where hundreds and even thousands of people can worship through singing praise lyrics written on large screens, singing along to the music of a band, I could see how some may view these services as a show. But I can also see how certain people may feel more comfortable letting go and connecting with God in an anonymous crowd. In the past I have experienced sincere worship and connection in mega-churches, in small churches, in yoga classes, on spiritual retreats, and more often than any of those, in the privacy of my own room or out in nature as I praise God silently, within myself.

What about the words we use to address God in prayer and worship? In my seminary program, some say, “Mother, Father,” some say “God and Goddess,” some say, “Divine One,” and I still say, “God,” or “Lord.” Although our preferences can differ, I believe that we are addressing the same being. I do not make any judgments about the form or even the content of our heartfelt offerings to God. My feelings about worship, praise and prayer are perfectly reflected in the Rumi poem, “Moses and the Shepherd.” God is looking for our humility, the sincere expression of our love for Him and our surrender to His glory. As Jesus said, true worshipers will worship the Father in Spirit and in Truth. I believe that this day will come indeed, on this Earth, and I plan to be a part of it.

"Moses and the Shepherd" by Coleman Barks

Published in The Essential Rumi. Harper Collins, 1995. websource.

Moses heard a shepherd on the road, praying, "God,
where are you? I want to help you, to fix your shoes
and comb your hair. I want to wash your clothes
and pick the lice off. I want to bring you milk
to kiss your little hands and feet when it's time
for you to go to bed. I want to sweep your room
and keep it neat. God, my sheep and goats
are yours. All I can say, remembering you,
is ayyyy and ahhhhhhhhh."

                 Moses could stand it no longer.
"Who are you talking to?"
                 "The one who made us,
and made the earth and made the sky."
                 "Don't talk about shoes
and socks with God! And what's this with your little hands
and feet? Such blasphemous familiarity sounds like
you're chatting with your uncles.
                 Only something that grows
needs milk. Only someone with feet needs shoes. Not God!
Even if you meant God's human representatives,
as when God said, `I was sick, and you did not visit me,'
even then this tone would be foolish and irreverent.

Use appropriate terms. Fatima is a fine name
for a woman, but if you call a man Fatima,
it's an insult. Body-and-birth language
are right for us on this side of the river,
but not for addressing the origin,
not for Allah."

The shepherd repented and tore his clothes and sighed
and wandered out into the desert.
                 A sudden revelation
then came to Moses. God's voice:
                 You have separated me
from one of my own. Did you come as a Prophet to unite,
or to sever?
                 I have given each being a separate and unique way
of seeing and knowing that knowledge.

What seems wrong to you is right for him.
What is poison to one is honey to someone else.

Purity and impurity, sloth and diligence in worship,
these mean nothing to me.
I am apart from all that.
Ways of worshipping are not to be ranked as better
or worse than one another.
Hindus do Hindu things.
The Dravidian Muslims in India do what they do.
It's all praise, and it's all right.

It's not me that's glorified in acts of worship.
It's the worshipers! I don't hear the words
they say. I look inside at the humility.

That broken-open lowliness is the reality,
not the language! Forget phraseology.
I want burning, 'burning'.
                 Be friends
with your burning. Burn up your thinking
and your forms of expression!
                 Moses,
those who pay attention to ways of behaving
and speaking are one sort.
                 Lovers who burn
are another.
                 Don't impose a property tax
on a burned-out village. Don't scold the Lover.
The "wrong" way he talks is better than a hundred
"right" ways of others.
                 Inside the Kaaba
it doesn't matter which direction you point
your prayer rug!
                 The ocean diver doesn't need snowshoes!
The love-religion has no code or doctrine.
                                                   Only God.
So the ruby has nothing engraved on it!
It doesn't need markings.

God began speaking
deeper mysteries to Moses. Vision and words,
which cannot be recorded here, poured into
and through him. He left himself and came back.
He went to eternity and came back here.
Many times this happened.

It's foolish of me
to try and say this. If I did say it,
it would uproot our human intelligences.
It would shatter all writing pens.

Moses ran after the shepherd.
He followed the bewildered footprints,
in one place moving straight like a castle
across a chessboard. In another, sideways,
like a bishop. Now surging like a wave cresting,
now sliding down like a fish,

with always his feet
making geomancy symbols in the sand,

recording his wandering state.

Moses finally caught up with him.

"I was wrong. God has revealed to me
that there are no rules for worship.

Say whatever and however your loving tells you to.

Your sweet blasphemy
is the truest devotion. Through you a whole world
is freed.

Loosen your tongue and don't worry what comes out.
It's all the light of the spirit."

The shepherd replied,
"Moses, Moses, I've gone beyond even that.
You applied the whip and my horse shied and jumped
out of itself. The divine nature and my human nature
came together.

Bless your scolding hand and your arm.
I can't say what's happened.

What I'm saying now
is not my real condition. It can't be said."

The shepherd grew quiet.

When you look in a mirror,
you see yourself, not the state of the mirror.
The flute player puts breath into a flute,
and who makes the music? Not the flute.
The flute player!

Whenever you speak praise
or thanksgiving to God, it's always like
this dear shepherd's simplicity.

When you eventually see
through the veils to how things really are,
you will keep saying again
and again, "This is certainly not like
we thought it was!"

Mental Armor: Boosting Immunity With Your Thoughts

2011-12-06T14:16:00.000-08:00

The Winter Holidays are here, and for many of us that means getting a lot more exposure than our norm. Holiday gatherings are fun, but they can also be stressful: whether we are entertaining friends and family, attending parties thrown by others or just spending more time out shopping, we are coming into contact with all sorts of people... and all sorts of organisms. The Holidays are also cold and flu season, so it's a good idea to have a disease fighting arsenal available; and I'm not referring to the medicine cabinet.

An image that came to me recently when I thought about immunity was a set of invisible armor that protects my body from all sorts of invaders. I was thinking of someone I loved very much, and I thought, "I will wear this love like a suit of armor. It will warm me when I am cold and protect me when I am in danger." The picture in my mind was of golden, glowing light, surrounding my body, like an aura. I then started thinking about how we can protect ourselves from all manner of ills by simply adopting a positive attitude and thinking love-filled thoughts that energize, rather than deplete us.

A teacher of mine recently told our class, "Whatever you do over the course of this year, don't get sick. Just don't." The setting of the class is a hospital, and part of her instruction had to do with the avoidance of carrying contagious organisms around the hospital and back into our homes. But her verbal command, "don't get sick," had everything to do with attitude. I was reminded of many winters in the past when I had to take finals for college, grad school or law school, and I willed myself to be well for the duration of exams. I didn't drop my guard when exams were over, because I wanted to enjoy the ensuing break. The time in my life when I contracted the greatest number of illnesses was when I worked in a job that I disliked. The job wasn't particularly stressful. However, I wasn't focused on staying strong and "up," so I got sick more. I let my mental and spiritual guard down. Even though it has been extensively proven that stress negatively impacts the immune system, the stress of the bar exam or other similar tests didn't make me sick. In those instances, my thoughts and attitude protected my physical health.

In this season, we can all use some extra help with immunity, so I brainstormed and came up with some methods I regularly use to strengthen my immune system. Some of them come from yoga and spiritual practice, and others are simply based on personal experience. Try some out and if I see you at a holiday party, let me know what you think:

Visualization: When you are starting to feel crappy, pull on the power of your imagination. In a concrete sense, visualize your immune response. Imagine your immune cells mounting a defense in your body, circulating through your blood and organs and fighting off foreign invaders. (The first time this worked for me I was 12 years old, lying in sick in bed on vacation; I concentrated as hard as I could on my lymph glands and immune cells and visualized them fighting off my illness. It worked and I got up and enjoyed the rest of my vacation. I will never forget that!)
Affirmation: An affirmation is nothing more than repeating a selected phrase to yourself, out loud or in your mind, to bring about a desired result. So in terms of immunity, even saying to yourself, "I am not going to get sick," may be all you need. A busy father told me at church last weekend, "I cannot afford to get sick, so I'm not," referring to his kids' illnesses coinciding with his increased work load. My husband says similar things when our kids get sick: "I don't plan on getting this." Almost invariably, the affirmation works for him.
Fantasy: No matter what kind of negative sensations you are experiencing, from a bad mood to a sore throat, you can use fantasy to flood your body with endorphins. Endorphins, the "feel-good" hormones, are really goooood for all of your bodily systems, including your immune system. You can produce more endorphins at will. Isn't that cool? It is well-known that exercise ups your endorphin levels, and so does laughter. Simply thinking about things, people and experiences you love also creates endorphins. Good, old-fashioned (or modern) daydreaming can help you boost your immune system. To relieve stress, and start feeling better, put your mental focus on something good. It can help to think about your significant other and the fun plans you are making... or the last time you had a really great time together, in or out of the bedroom. This one works wonders.
Prayer: Turning over your health concerns to the care and protection of God, however you like to call Him/Her, is a powerful practice. Prayer shapes our thoughts and our energy. When I am praying for myself or a loved one who is ill, I like to invoke Archangel Raphael. The name Raphael means, "God heals."
Physicality: Everything I just listed has to do with using thoughts to enhance immunity; obviously the way we treat our bodies is just as crucial, if not more so. Teachers, parents and doctors teach us that "diet and exercise" are the keys to good health... probably because they are. I like to use yoga breathing techniques, such as breath of fire, to strengthen immunity. I also believe in the power of inversions to stimulate the lymphatic system and boost immune response. There are lots of fun ways to get your head below your heart. I will include links at the bottom of this post for suggestions on how to spend some fun time upside down. Last but not least, if you want to fight off illness, eat good food. Vegetables. Lots of them. During the winter, I eat a lot of extra vegetables. Just last night I served three vegetable sides with dinner. My nutritionist friend recommends a hearty, homemade tomato-based pasta sauce to boost immunity. I am a big fan of this, myself. Use lots of garlic, crushed tomatoes, diced bell peppers and plenty of spices. Cayenne is a great immunity booster.

RESOURCES:

http://azrahannum.com/endorphins-what-are-they

http://www.livestrong.com/article/351367-breath-of-fire-breathing-exercises/

http://www.sunandmoonstudio.com/Articles/headstand.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raphael_%28archangel%29

http://yoga.about.com/od/yogasequences/ss/inversions.htm

Your Body is a Sacred Friend

2011-11-16T08:32:00.000-08:00

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

"To keep the body in good health is a duty...otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear." -Buddha (Prince Gautama Siddhartha, 563-483 B.C.)

"Yoga is really trying to liberate us from...shame about our bodies. To love your body is a very important thing." Rodney Yee

The spiritual faiths and traditions of the world are unanimous on this point: we are to love and respect our bodies. Our relationship with our body says something essential about the condition of our soul. From the moment we are born until the moment we die, we inhabit a body. Our bodies are our vehicles for experiencing the world, the creation of the Divine. Our lives are inextricably linked to the state and condition of our bodies. Our life force diminishes when we are ill. Death comes when our hearts stop beating. No matter who we are, where we are, or what we believe, we wake up each morning in a body, and we relate to that body all day, every day. We can choose how we want to relate to our body: as a cherished friend, a child that we neglect, or even as an enemy whom we despise.

In our walk with the Divine, we are reminded not to take our relationship with God for granted. We endeavor not to take our friends and family members for granted. What friend is closer to us than our own body? How easy is it to take our body and our health for granted? Tragically, for some of us, neglect of the body turns to its destruction before we can undo the damage wrought by neglect, stress, and lack of awareness.

As it is for many people, illness was a powerful reminder for me to reacquaint myself with my body and to treat it with greater respect. I am fortunate that I discovered this in time to set my healing in motion through the regular practice of yoga, a regular cardio regime and meditation. I also pay more attention now to nutrition as a way to love and respect my body.

I would like to relate to my body as a sacred friend. I have never liked dieting, because I see it is a deprivation. I don't want to deprive my friend. I want to cherish her and give her good things. I want to be aware of harmful excesses and toxins, but at the same time I want to enjoy the experience of being in my body. I don't impose rigid rules on my friends, or on my body. I believe in little indulgences, often, without guilt. I like half and half in my coffee, whole milk in my tea and butter on my bread. If I bake desserts, I eat them. When I want french fries, I eat french fries. Nothing is really off limits. Dieting as deprivation often does more harm than good, because it reflects an adversarial relationship with the body. Jesus was not a proponent of strict dietary rules. His response to his culture's insistence on strict rules was clear: "You are not defiled by what you eat; you are defiled by what you say and do." Matthew 15:11.

My faith practices have taught me to love and respect my body. Yoga, in particular, is teaching me to pay attention to the experience of my body, to treat it with kindness, and to inhabit it with grace.

When I first committed to a regular practice, I met a truly inspirational friend in a yoga class. Her name is Amanda Winters. She is a health coach and nutritionist who is working towards her yoga certification. She is a single mother who runs her own health and fitness business. http://www.aplusplan.com/index.html

Since I have known her, she has consistently supported me and my family members in making better choices about what we eat and how we relate to food and our bodies. We support one another in our yoga practice. Amanda has a set a great example of living out the value of service in the yoga tradition, by volunteering to teach yoga classes to economically disadvantaged women in the New York area. Through her own struggles with multiple food allergies, she has found a way to nourish and balance herself and to transmit her experiential wisdom to others. I truly value her friendship and I am dedicating this post to her work with women and families who are dedicated to improving their health and the way they relate to their bodies.

Each of us have unique DNA and our bodies are beautiful expressions of that uniqueness. No matter what we do, we transmit our contributions and connections to the rest of the world through our bodies. Believing that the soul lives on when the body dies is an even greater motivation to appreciate the body while we still have it. Your experience in your body is precious and temporary, so make the most of it.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship." Romans 12: 1. If you love God, you will love your body.

Easy Silence

2011-11-05T07:24:00.000-07:00

My husband keeps the world at bay for me. When I heard this song this morning, "Easy Silence," I wanted somehow to dedicate it to my husband. It's not because our house or much of anything in our lives is silent. The song made me think of him because his constant presence and support in my life brings me home to ease and silence, even in the midst of the whirlwind of life.

When you meet him, you may not think of him as a quiet man. His voice can be heard across a noisy restaurant or a bustling field of 4 year old soccer players. When I met him 8 years ago, one of the things that attracted me was watching him sit outside of the main dining room at Club Med in a lounge chair, extending high fives to each person as he or she entered. He likes to make his presence known. I am just so thankful that he is present for me.

Anyone dedicated to a spiritual path knows that family life, while fertile ground for growth, is also a minefield of disruptions and distractions. Those of us with families, spouses, and otherwise busy earthly lives are what the yogis call "householders." We have a particular role at this point in our lives that necessarily confines us to a certain type of spiritual practice. We are not monastics. We are not young seekers, able to travel light and devote all of our time to growth and study. We are not retired adults in the winter of our lives, serenely dispensing wisdom to our communities. We are in the thick of life, right now.

My husband and I are very different from one another. When we were deciding whether or not to commit long-term to our relationship, he said to me: "I just don't know if we are looking for the same things. You are in a different place than I am." That is still a true assessment of the two of us. However, he supports me on my life journey more than any other person ever has. He does not consider himself spiritual. I still can't understand football rules well enough to intelligently discuss a Steelers game. But he is the person who makes it possible for me to go to yoga classes at night or on the weekend. He is the one who puts the spreadsheets together for our church's finances. He is the one who encourages me to meditate at night before bed while he watches football and folds laundry. He encourages me to read the Bible or the Yoga Sutras while he reads crime novels or historical fiction. We can't always discuss what we read. Our interests do not often meet. But we make enough room in our relationship and our lives for the interests and goals of the other person.

My husband never gives me the third degree. In turn, I do not question him or challenge him regarding his preferences. I don't care about the way he dresses. We don't fight over which television shows to watch. If our TV is on, it's either Nick Jr., ESPN or Mythbusters. I don't even like TV. But I don't mind that my husband likes it. I respect him and his choices. He respects me and values what I value. There is an unspoken mutual support between us that allows us to confidently engage in life.

We talk. But there is no expectation in our discussions. I don't try to make him feel better and I don't expect him to give me pep talks. What's important is that we know what's going on with the other person; he knows what I am thinking about, what I am going through, what my hopes are. I know when he is suffering, when he is enjoying something and when he needs space to simply be. We don't fill our time together with a lot of chatter. It works for us.

Every marriage is different. Personally, I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where we had to do everything together, in step. The nature of life is change. None of us stay the same as we were on our wedding day. We keep evolving, and the gift of marriage is to have someone there for you to support your evolution.

My husband keeps the world at bay for me. He lightens every load. He is the most steadfast person I have ever known...ever. I am forever grateful for the easy silence he makes for me.

Thich Nhat Hanh Dharma Talk, 10/14/11

2011-10-17T11:26:00.000-07:00

Once again this year, I was able to attend the Dharma talk given by Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay) in New York City at the end of his North American Teaching Tour. While the style of the lesson was identical to the prior talk I attended, the content was quite different. As before, Thay sat on stage with a group of monastics who accompany him on his teaching tours. The nuns sat to his right and the monks were seated on the left side.

To open the talk, Thay invited the audience to sit quietly and come back to our breath as we listened to the monastics singing the name of Avalokiteshvara. Thay introduced Avalokiteshvara as the bodhisattva of Deep Listening. I have heard Avalokiteshvara referred to as the bodhisattva of Compassion. The following gives a good description of the various translations of the name of this bodisattva: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avalokite%C5%9Bvara

Thay's description of Avalokiteshvara was the bodhisattva who listens deeply to the laments of human beings who are suffering. This being represents the symbolic taking in of our pain, our deepest worries, our cries. Thay invited us to be present with our own suffering as we sat for approximately 15 minutes. He said the energy of compassion can only arise when we are able to get in touch with our own suffering. It is impossible for us to extend compassion to another person if we ourselves are not aware of our own suffering. Thay said that through deep listening, through the profound experience of our own suffering, we allow compassion to arise within. He described the universal human tendency to try every means to escape our suffering. Rarely are we willing to accept and be mindful of our own pain, be it physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. Thay repeated his well-known phrase, "No mud, no lotus."

The remainder of the talk was organized around several revered and widely taught Buddhist principles, originating from the Diamond Sutra and the teaching of The Buddha's Four Nutriments. This year's talk adhered more to classic Buddhist teaching, whereas the former talk I attended was slightly less structured and less religious.

The Diamond Sutra teaches us to attain the quality of non-discrimination. In explaining the Diamond Sutra, Thay asked us to envision a very large and sharp diamond, able to cut through and excise illusions and faulty concepts. There are four common ways of thinking to be removed through following the teaching of the Diamond Sutra: 1. Self, 2. Man, 3. Living Beings vs. Non-Living Beings, and 4. Life Span.

Thay described the notion of Self as the idea that we are beings made up of elements which are exclusive to us. This teaching gets at the heart of what Buddhists believe to be the illusion of individualism. Thay said, "Look at your son. You believe him to be made up of "son elements," but he is made entirely of non-son elements. When you look at the son you see the father, the mother and all of the ancestors. You cannot separate the son from these elements." Thay also spoke of his famous cloud illustration, pointing to the presence of cloud elements in every one of us (we all contain water which came from the cloud, every flower has the cloud present in her, a cup of tea was once part of the cloud, etc.) "You are made exclusively of non-you elements," he said.

In elucidating the remaining three concepts, man, living beings and the notion of life span, Thay focused on the interconnectedness of all energy and matter. He elaborated on the principle that neither energy nor matter may be created or destroyed. All of this goes back to the Buddhist teaching of "No birth, no death." He asked us to free ourselves from the notion that we pass from non-being into being and then back into non-being. Thay noted that we observe no phenomena in the natural world that fit such a scenario. He said that we all think of ourselves as distinct from plants, minerals and animals, yet he asked how this can be so since we are made up of elements from all of those things. If we are able to understand this, then we can understand our interbeing with all of the planet. We are simply not separate beings, according to Thay and to Buddhist philosophy. This gives new meaning to the oft-quoted Christian teaching that nothing can ever separate us from the love of God. Nothing can ever separate us from God, from each other, or from...anything. There is no separation, period.

My favorite part of the Diamond Sutra teaching was the easy explanation of "no life span": we think that we have a life span of 70, 80 or 100 years. We believe that such a time frame contains our life, in a nutshell. According to Thay, this is simply mistaken perception. Our lives are infinite. I was able to find a previously recorded excerpt of a talk given by Thay on December 4, 1997, that is very close to what he said last Friday evening:

“…We think we exist from the time we were born to the time we die, and that this is our life span. That is another notion, a perception, a concept that we need to overcome and liberate ourselves from. According to that notion, before we are born we do not exist and after we die we are nothing. This is a very wrong notion. It is said in many sutras that when conditions are sufficient our body is formed, and when conditions are not sufficient then our body does not manifest. We are caught by the idea of birth and death, the idea of existence and non-existence, and the idea of life span. The notion of life span is the basis of the notions of birth and death, coming and going, existence and non-existence, permanence and annihilation. All of these pairs of concepts have their foundation in the concept of life span. Therefore when we can destroy the notion of life span we can destroy the other notions."

Thay shifted into the next segment of the Dharma talk by tying the concept of interbeing into the logical next step: mindful consumption. If everything we think, do, say and consume has an effect on everything and everyone else, we can take concrete steps to heal our lives and our planet through being mindful of what we consume. This leads us to the Buddha's teaching of the Four Sources of Nutriment, which are the following: 1. Edible Food, 2. Sensory Impressions, 2. Volition and 4. Collective Consciousness.

In his discussion of the mindful consumption of food, Thay predictably explained ways for us all to become more mindful of what we eat and how choosing our food has an effect on people, animals and plant life all over the planet. When he began to speak about vegetarianism, people in the audience started to leave in surprisingly large numbers. Unfortunately they did not get to find out that Thay was only suggesting that those of us who are meat eaters could make a commitment to eating vegetarian for 10 or 15 days per month. In my household, this is something we already do, for economic as well as health and environmental reasons. Thay reminded everyone of the large amount of grain it takes to feed cattle, and also to make alcoholic beverages. This was a good reminder to become even more mindful of the amount and type of alcohol we consume, if any.

Thay's teaching on the mindful consumption of sensory impressions was, in my opinion, a very badly needed reminder for the great majority of us. He tied this back into the idea of becoming more mindful of suffering. We consume many, many things in order to avoid the direct experience of our suffering. The social media we subscribe to, the articles and the books we read, the music we play in our cars and homes, the television and radio programs we see and hear... all of these things have an enormous impact on our lives and the lives of everyone we come into contact with. What if we could become more mindful of the sensory input we consume? I, for one, would consume less. I know that I turn on music throughout the day to shift out of presence and consciousness. I am now challenged to look at that behavior and modify it somewhat, or at the very least to become more conscious of the times I do it.

The nutriment of what Thay calls "volition," has also been referred to by other Buddhist teachers as "intention." Volition describes our desire to get what we want and achieve our goals, immediate and long-term. Thay said that often the direction of our desires leads us to an unhappy path, snaring us into more suffering. Our desires can lead to impulsive actions. In becoming overly focused on our goals and desires, we can lose sight of the best that life has to offer us in the present moment. Thay says we adjust this tendency through participating in mindful sitting, walking and looking--in other words, through the spiritual practice of mindfulness we can adjust what our volition leads us to consume.

Finally, in clarifying the meaning of "consciousness" as the fourth nutriment, Thay emphasized that whatever we consume feeds our consciousness. Our consciousness is dominated by the thoughts we think, the words we speak and the actions we perform. Thay encourages us to become more mindful of our consciousness and to feed it with love, compassion, joy and peace. He says that if we look deeply at our suffering, we will see the things we have been feeding our consciousness which have led us down an unhappy path. We can ease our suffering through taking good care of our consciousness and nourishing it in healthier ways.

The points above were all I was able to take away from the Dharma talk, other than the peace and clarity exuded by Thay and his group of monastics. Although I attended the talk by myself, I know that in reality I was connected to each and every person in attendance, as well as countless others on the outside who are contributing to the evolution of our consciousness as human beings.

May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be free.

Meditation: The Expansiveness of Interbeing

2011-10-05T08:49:00.000-07:00

I want to share the effects of purification, joy and connection that I am experiencing after only three days of practicing the Spirit Voyage 40 day Global Sadhana. This is the first time that I have committed to a daily, structured meditation practice. Usually I meditate on my own and there are certain days that I fall short and do not practice. I love the simplicity of this particular structured practice and the 15 minute time slot makes it easier to commit and keep up. Here is the link in case you would like to jump in and try it out at any time:http://www.spiritvoyage.com/GlobalSadhana/BeinFlowWithYourHighestWisdom
If this is something that appeals to you, I encourage you to follow the Spirit Voyage community on Facebook. I briefly glanced yesterday at the discussion about how this 40 day practice is going so far, for many people. I was excited to see other people having experiences similar to mine.

The practice is purifying because of the cleansing and cooling breath exercises, the mudra (position of the arms and hands) and the chanting. I have felt a burning sensation in my solar plexus after a few minutes of the practice, and I am finding that the sensation returns several times throughout the day during my regular activities.

I feel like the practice is already altering my characteristic energy. I have also noticed that just as in quiet, sitting meditation, thoughts and emotions arise but I feel like they cycle through more quickly in this practice, almost as if they are falling away from my body. I specifically feel like this meditation practice is helping me to churn through residual anger and bitterness that I carry around with me. I am usually unaware of these feelings during a normal day, but they come up when I am driving, when I think about certain people and during certain interactions. Meditation helps me to pinpoint these harmful emotions and to start letting them go, releasing them from my body. I feel that this is a great practice for burning through ego, as well.

Now, on to the joy and connection: I took extra time to do sitting meditation following the sadhana yesterday. During that 20 minute period, I had some blissful visions. It is a relief to the body to commence normal breathing after 15 minutes of focused effort. I reconnected with the simple in and out breath, and said to myself several times, "Thank you, God." A line from the Foo Fighters song, Everlong, came to me: "Breathe out so I can breathe you in." Sitting there quietly, I wanted to breathe in the Holy Spirit, the energy that fuels the cosmos and everything in it...the energy that fuels me. I imagined the breath of Heaven, the breath of life, flowing into my lungs and filling them up. I felt the tears on my face, and I knew that my body was shedding bitterness. Moments like that are when we feel our hearts softening. I felt the expansion and contraction of my lungs, and I saw the expansion and contraction of the oceans, the tides, the Earth. In that moment I felt the inescapable connection that I have to God and all of creation. I imagined the cells in my body expanding and contracting, my physical heart expanding and contracting to circulate blood. I felt and heard my heart beating. I had a vision of my heart as the center of my being, and then of the red, hot center of the Earth. I saw the red and glowing center of the Earth as if it were the bud of a flower that kept pushing up and through, moving ever towards the sky. Layers upon layers of glowing, hot, red petals moved up and out as new layers replaced them. The dying petals fell back into the Earth, into black. I felt in that moment a connection to both life and death. I did not feel separate from life, or from death. I felt interconnected.

“To be” is to inter-be. You cannot just be by yourself alone. You have to inter-be with every other thing." - Thich Nhat Hanh

I am experiencing interbeing through this practice.

Meditation on Safety

2011-09-26T08:53:00.000-07:00

"Your life is hidden with Christ in God." These words, from the book of Colossians in the New Testament of the Bible, came to me today during a solitary morning run. I thought about what it means to be "hidden," and how I associate comfort and safety with that word. Through my faith I find comfort; I believe that in spite of any contrary circumstance, appearance or feeling, I am safe.

In meditation today, I used the words "hidden" and "safe" as mantras. Per the teachings of the venerable Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh, I used this breathing meditation: "Breathing in, I am hidden. Breathing out, I am safe." In this way I settled into my practice. After sitting for a while, in my mind's eye I saw a vision of Mary, holding her tiny child in her arms. I love seeing the statues of Mary at my sons' school when I drop them off each morning. They are a beautiful visual reminder of the safety I find in faith.

Continuing to sit with ease and comfort, I then adapted the guided meditation on love from my last post. Rather than receiving love and circulating that energy through the chakras, I combined today's focus on safety with the energy of each chakra. The resulting affirmations are powerful thoughts that help to release long-held fears:

1st/root chakra: I am safely rooted.
2nd/sacral chakra: I form and maintain safe connections with others.
3rd/solar plexus chakra: I act and accomplish from a place of safety.
4th/heart chakra: It is safe for me to feel; I safely experience my true feelings.
5th/throat chakra: It is safe for me to express myself.
6th/third eye chakra: I know that I am safe. It is safe for me to follow my intuition.
7th/crown chakra: My safety comes from the Source of All. My life is hidden in God.

Guided Meditation: Moving Love Through Your Chakras

2011-09-15T13:35:00.000-07:00

Now that preschool has started for my boys, I am able to carve out a bit of time for meditation during the day. It is truly time well spent, as it makes the rest of the day flow with more ease and comfort. Today I focused on the energy of love, connecting with that energy and allowing love to flow in through my crown chakra to energize each chakra up and down the spine, and the whole of my being: mind, body and spirit.

Anyone could practice the following meditation to circulate love through the chakras. There is no particular time requirement. I set a timer for 24 minutes, exactly the amount of time I could meditate without distraction. So that you can get quiet and focused, and still have time remaining to pay attention to each chakra, I would recommend a minimum of ten minutes.

Begin by sitting comfortably and closing the eyes. I sit in sukhasana, a fancy term for criss-cross applesauce with a straight spine and the hands resting comfortably on the thighs. Many people prefer to sit with their feet on the floor in a comfortable chair.
Bring ease to your breath by taking several soothing inhalations and exhalations. You may breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth, or if you prefer to keep the mouth closed, breathe in and out through the nose making sure to relax the jaw.
Clear your mind of habitual thoughts and restlessness by repeating the following mantra to yourself. First, as you breathe in and out, “I am clear. I am clear. I am clear…” Then, simply, “Clear. Clear. Clear. Clear.” Visualize the surface of a clear pond or pool, with no waves and no ripples, or envision a perfectly clear sky.
Begin at your root chakra, located at the base of your spine. As you inhale, focus on being rooted, or grounded, right where you are. Sense your connection to the Earth, to the ground. To light up this chakra, repeat this internal mantra, breathing in, “I am rooted,” breathing out, “I am here.” Do this several times. This practice grounds your energy and focus for the rest of your practice.
Next, connect with the energy of love that is always available to us from Source (God, the Universe). Envision the following: in the space directly above you is an orb of golden light. It is the light of love, flowing to you from your Higher Self, the divine within you. You are opening up your being, from the top of your head down to the base of your spine, so that you can bring this loving energy into the whole of you.
Bring the attention back to the breath, as you will use each remaining inhalation and exhalation to circulate the energy of love through your chakras, up, and then down, continuing in a seamless cycle. You are pulling love in and moving it up and down your chakras.
Breathing in and out, as you envision each chakra, speak the following mantras in your mind:

· 1^st, or Root chakra: I am rooted in love.

· 2^nd, or Sacral chakra: I connect with love.

· 3rd chakra, or Solar Plexus: I act with love.

· 4^th, or Heart chakra: I feel love.

· 5^th, or Throat chakra: I speak love.

· 6^th chakra, or Third Eye: I know love.

· 7^th, or Crown chakra: I understand love.

For additional pranayama practice (control of the breath in meditation), try to extend each inhalation so that you can go through all seven mantras and envision the chakras, so that at the beginning of your inhalation you say, “I am rooted in love,” and at the top of your breath, you finish, “I understand love.” As you exhale, you envision the golden light energy of love moving back down your spine, from the crown chakra to the root chakra, repeating each mantra in reverse order. If you do this, the time of each complete breath cycle is 15-20 seconds.

This practice brought me such sweetness, joy and comfort…in under half an hour.

The Good in Goodbye

2011-09-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

My yoga class today was exceptionally enlightening and uplifting, to the point that I feel compelled to share the lesson. My teacher shared with us the experience of taking her second son to college last week. She was absent from our classes when she drove him to school. She had spoken to us of her trepidation surrounding this major step in her life. Today, at the beginning of class, she shared her struggle with us, in tears. She said that like everything in life, “this too shall pass,” and “the only thing we can truly expect in this life is change.” What really stood out in her words today was this: we all have to let go of experiences, stages, and even people we love. While it is often easy to let go of what seems bad, we also have to let of go things in our lives that are good, when the time comes; and this prepares us to receive new blessings.

Letting go of the good in our lives…that is tough to accept! One man in the class had also dropped his daughter off at college last week, and he said, “What we are letting go of is our parental role of being their constant protector. My daughter was sick when I took her to college, and it was hard for me to leave because I just wanted to stay there and take care of her. But now she is taking care of herself and that role for me has ended, for the most part. Now it’s time for something else.” An elderly woman chimed in, “when one door closes, another door always opens.”

My teacher’s open sharing of her sadness touched my heart. She said that during the past few weeks the sorrow of letting go had continued to surface for her, but she pushed it down repeatedly to appear strong for her husband and children. She said that the feelings were there, and the tears would rise up to her throat but she would push them back down into the area of her heart and chest, which made her literally sick. Now she is letting it out and modeling that freedom for her students. I loved that she spoke about learning to let go of the good things that come into our lives, blessings and experiences that we wish to hold onto.

My children are still little, only 3 and 4 years of age. So I have a long time before I have to let them spread their wings and fly away from home. But I also have a few good things in my life that need to fly away, free. In class today, I shed a few tears when that realization fully dawned. I have also been holding on when I need to let go and open up to new experiences. When my family moved last Spring, I began the process of saying goodbye to some well-loved and familiar faces and places. I had to let go of the wonderful preschool where my eldest son was nurtured for two years. Now he will start a new school. Letting go of the local column I wrote when I moved to a new town was a sort of personal loss that I mourned. These are two of many examples.

Letting go of good relationships that either disappear entirely or take on a new dynamic; this is the particular challenge my yoga teacher is facing with her college-aged son. I am also facing that challenge with a very special person who was in my life for nearly a year. He is a teacher and coach that I met when I was writing my former column. I interviewed him in connection with some exciting work he was doing. I was so impressed with him that I decided to sign on as one of his clients. He is a stress relief coach, and as a Mom of toddlers, I was feeling a little stressed. Little did I know that not only would he help me with my job as a Mom, but he would also help me rediscover my purpose outside of motherhood, and ultimately connect me with my higher self and spirituality in a way that would open me up to a world of new experiences. I truly cherished the connection I had with him, to the point that I dreaded losing it. When it came time for the relationship to end, I signed on for more coaching. I did this because I was afraid of letting go of something good. I was not sure what other sorts of people and experiences would come into my life to fill the void. Like my yoga teacher, when I felt sad about letting go of that relationship, I pushed the sadness back down. I still haven’t fully let go of the wonderful teacher/student dynamic I had with him, even though I know it is time for me to spread my wings.

Already, I have amazing new people and experiences at my very doorstep. It is time for me to let them in. I am in a new church environment in my new hometown, with a wonderful pastor and congregation. I am happy to be actively involved in the church organization with my husband. My pastor is an invaluable teacher and source of support. My interfaith seminary program begins this fall, and I can’t contain my excitement about interacting with the other students and teachers traveling this path with me. Even my yoga class with such a gifted teacher is relatively new for me. I had to stop attending my regular number of classes at my old studio in order to allow this new one to come into my life. My favorite yoga teacher at my old studio: don’t even get me started on her! There is no way I am letting her go anytime soon. I drive out of my way half an hour to maintain that connection, even though I have fantastic yoga options where I live now! With some things, it’s “never say die.”

Putting our focus on the new good makes it easier to release the old good. Hope and optimism help us persevere in the face of change. That spoonful of new beginnings helps us swallow the bitter pill of saying goodbye. One thought occurred to me after class today: the word “goodbye” contains the word “good”! There must be a good reason for that.

Sin, Suffering, Satan and Samsara

2011-08-10T14:16:00.000-07:00

My church pastor has a copy of the book, Living Buddha, Living Christ on his desk. My father recommended that book to me in 1995 when it came out. I have a copy by my bedside. In attending a Christian church regularly for the first time in many years, I am working with my cultural tradition in the context of my blended spiritual practice.

One of my yoga teachers, Cara Sax, has been talking to her students about the yama and the niyama in the Yoga Sutras. The yama and the niyama are the “do’s” and “don’ts” of the yogic path. Yama means “abstinence” and niyama means “observance.” To me these teachings are very similar to the Ten Commandments in the Bible. From the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, as translated and presented by Sri Swami Satchidananda, Sutra 30 reads: “Yama consists of non-violence, truthfulness, non-stealing, continence, and non-greed.” Sutra 32: “Niyama consists of purity, contentment, accepting but not causing pain, study of spiritual books and worship of God [self-surrender].”

I am grateful beyond measure for the wonderful teachers God is bringing into my path, from traditions that are rich and varied. I have tried to explain to Christians how my practice is not so much about the worship of various deities. It is more about devotion to God and dedication to uncovering spiritual truth and applying it in my life. It is more about having faith that through practice, God may lead me into more wisdom. Most of all, it is about getting closer to God and allowing more love and compassion into my life, so that I may share it with myself, my family and the world.

I have never felt that learning about the Buddha and his teachings was a betrayal of Christ. If anything, I feel that I can come closer to seeing Jesus in this way. Particularly with the practice of yoga, I feel that worshipping God and organically integrating God’s spiritual laws into my life becomes easier. Attending church and reading the Bible is wonderful; singing God’s praises in church is beautiful; practicing yoga is another form of worship and spiritual communion that can only enhance my beliefs.

When I hear about “sin” and “Hell” and “Satan”, I immediately think of what Buddhists and yogis speak of simply as “suffering.” I think more specifically about avidya which translates as “ignorance,” and samsara which is the cycle of birth and death in which we are trapped without spiritual enlightenment. All of these are words, and in the realm of Spirit, words are not only unnecessary; words simply fail. I may prefer to use the words “suffering” and “ignorance” rather than sin or Hell. Others may prefer the cultural concept of sin and they may want to personify the causes of suffering into a spiritual being they call “Satan.” I cannot ever say with certainty that they are wrong. In the same vein, I may prefer the word “enlightenment” while someone else likes to refer to “salvation.” “Heaven” is a lovely word, but I like the word “Nirvana”; is it because it is more exotic? I think it is because Heaven is such a culturally loaded concept that it has lost meaning for me.

This sort of discussion tends to fire up a lot of Christians, and also many other people who are committed to the doctrine of one specific tradition. They may say, “Salvation is a distinct concept and it needs to be embraced as such,” or they may say, “If you don’t believe in Satan he has you trapped.” Others may say, “Nirvana is nothing like Heaven. They are entirely separate spiritual concepts.” Everyone is right, because these are words attached to ideas, born of cultures and traditions and written about by human beings. And all of us, within this culture, are a bit like the blind leading the blind because our specific culture is so far removed from the ancient traditions we are attempting to follow. This is why I am committed to finding the commonality in all of these beautiful traditions and adhering to the universal, simple truths that each contain. This is what we as humans are being called to do now, on this Earth, to bring salvation to ourselves and to our planet.

Here is what I am finding, personally: God is love. We call God by many names, but the name of God is sacred and hidden. God takes away our suffering. God also allows us to learn through suffering. God within us makes compassion possible. We each have God within us. God never leaves us. God is always present: omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient. Jesus Christ is God made man, and come into the world to ease our suffering. Jesus was a real incarnation of God, and his spirit remains with us. There have been and will be other incarnations because of God’s great love for us. (This last point is my major heresy as a Christian, although I have many others).

Because I have God within me I do not fear death, Hell, sin or Satan. I do not feel that I have to wholly embrace any religion or doctrine, though I feel compelled to respect them all.

I am not surprised that my path has led me to study interfaith ministry formally, and when my seminary studies begin in January, I will certainly post more here about them. I leave you with this Judeo-Christian blessing:

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

May the Lord make his face to shine upon you,
and be gracious unto you.

May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you,
and give you peace.

~Namaste

Mirror, Mirror, Off the Wall

2011-06-24T07:16:00.000-07:00

This week we had a freak accident in our house. While we were out for the day, the mirror in our master bathroom fell off the wall, hitting the sink handle on its way down. The sink was running full blast for hours, flooding the bathroom with water that drained into the basement through light fixtures in the ceiling. Upon our return, it was quite a sight to behold: flooded bathroom, flooded playroom, buckling ceiling.

The incredible element of this story is not the freaky domino effect of the mirror turning on the water and the water running through basement light fixtures. That is a somewhat believable chain of events. What's really odd is that the mirror, having hit three hard surfaces, metal and tile, and landing face down on the floor...remained unbroken. The only damage to the mirror was a small crack in its frame. As I waded through the bathroom and turned the mirror over, I was pleasantly surprised to find it had not shattered. My Scottish father-in-law said our family had been spared months of therapy. No bad luck omen for us this time around. In fact, I think the unbroken mirror is a very good omen.

I am a believer in synchronicity, divine intervention, signs from the spiritual realm...and many other cooky and mystical things. Hence, I find our recent household "accident" to be a positive sign. My slightly psychic Mom agrees with me. A mystical friend and teacher suggested that I look into the significance of the mirror and water symbolism inherent in the event. So here is what I came up with:

The mirror symbolizes perception. On a large scale, the mirror points to the way we interpret external reality through the lenses of our mind and senses. On a smaller scale, the mirror points to self-perception. Water is one of the four universal elements (the others being fire, air and earth). Water is formless. When it is calm, it clearly reflects what surrounds it. When it flows, it is a force of transformation. Heraclitus said, "No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river, and he's not the same man." Cascading water is a powerful image of the flow of life, which always brings change.

Our mirror fell face down into water flowing powerfully down, like a waterfall. In this occurrence, I see perception in motion and the power of flow moving the formless. What can this mean on a personal level? It made me think about identity. Over the course of our lives, within our home life, as we age and as we grow, our identities can dramatically shift and change--and this is a beautiful thing. Change and transformation are gifts, and we are not broken by these gifts...rather, we are enhanced. If we trust the flow of life and move away from rigidity, we are not brittle. We are not easily broken.

My mother had a similarly uplifting interpretation of our household omen. She said the mirror remaining unbroken was a message from God, symbolizing strength in the midst of what may appear chaotic on the surface. Even in the midst of change and turmoil, strength remains intact. She said that such an accident occurring within the home points to the resiliency of our family unit. I agree. I also feel like there is a personal message for yours truly. It is the mirror I use most often as it is too high for my boys, and my husband shaves in the shower. I feel like for me, the meaning is that a period of intense transformation is winding down and I will come out of it with my inner strength and beauty intact. Might be good to remain aware of narcissism creeping into my habits, just to top things off.

On a practical note, we like our insurance adjuster. We're getting a check. A contractor is lined up to fix the ceiling. Our rug is being restored. And we found some stronger wall anchors for that mirror. This is it, by the way:

More Yin, please...

2011-06-21T15:47:00.000-07:00

It’s supposed to be Yin/Yang. I feel like my life is Yang/Yin/Yang. There’s a whole lotta Yang with a little Yin thrown in sometimes. Yin and Yang being abstract concepts, I’ll offer my own interpretation here. I have always learned that Yin is the softer, more feminine, receptive and passive side of experience. Some say it is darker. Yang is the active, strong, masculine and productive side.

To me, meditation feels more Yin and prayer feels more Yang. When I pray, I talk to God, often out loud. When I meditate (far less often these days) I am quiet and still.

With my two young sons and my boisterous husband, I feel like I am constantly surrounded by the Yang element. So far, I am also an aunt to boys only. I grew up with sisters. Fortunately one of them is pregnant with a girl! Until I was 15, I saw my sisters part time since they have a different Mom. When I was not at their house, I was living with my Mom. I had my own prissy little room. I daydreamed a lot. I spent time by myself. My life was more Yin than Yang. When I was with my sisters, we were active and playful…but we were girls.

This past weekend one of my sisters visited me (the unmarried one). She arrived with her little white Maltese dog. She stayed to help our family celebrate my son’s third birthday and Father’s Day. With all of the Yang that surrounds me, I was very grateful to have that extra Yin thrown into the mix! Interspersed with the excited squeals of boys running up and down the house and yard, the excitement of a kid’s party, the presence of my two year old nephews—I got to enjoy talking with my sister about hair, clothes, shoes, men from a woman’s perspective, memories of our teen years and the crushes we had then…it seemed magical. We did yoga in the living room, oblivious to the shouts of my sons. We sat on a blanket outside drinking rosé and listening to women folk artists sing about love. Some of that may sound active to you, but to me it was blissfully Yin.

This week I am back to my familiar Yang fest. Just today, I took my boys out for lunch at the local diner. It wasn’t much of a lunch for me. Just after we sat down, my youngest asked me in a loud, screechy voice, “Mommy, do you have a tiny penis?” Of course my other son found that riotously funny and laughed his new hearty, guttural laugh that he uses to impress his friends. The remainder of the lunch I heard a number of loud penis jokes and was repeatedly asked why I do not have a penis and told that I must have a very tiny one. Of course, the table was a drum and when they weren’t talking about genitalia they were banging on the table with the toy cars they brought inside. When I took those away, they used their forks. When I took those away… you get the picture.

I know they love me, these males who share my home. They can be sweet. The little ones are affectionate. But all three of them are loud. Their humor doesn’t always suit me. And while 90% of the time it’s funny to see them running circles around my bed with my underwear on their heads and dragging my sundress behind them—10% of the time I really wish they had vaginas. Then in a few years we could really share the dresses…but probably not the underwear.

I’d like more Yin, please.

Team Jesus: My Kind of Sangha

2011-05-18T13:33:00.000-07:00

The name of this blog, Meta Vie, means “a life in transformation.” Used as a prefix, “meta” means change or transformation, hence the word, “metamorphosis.” Vie is, of course, the French word for life. When I originally named the blog I liked the more current definition of meta: self-referential. By blogging, I am engaging in a writing process that is nothing more than the written reference of my own ongoing transformation.

Writing is an amazing tool for growth; we can record and track our progress along life’s journey. My grandparents kept written journals, some of which I have shared here. This is my electronic journal. As I look back at entries from 2009, I am entertained and inspired by the changes that have taken place within me since that time. I am sometimes equally amused when I see entries from just a few months ago.

I wrote a post last September about reconciling my Christianity with my other spiritual inclinations and practices. It was called, “My Nebulous Spirituality.” http://meta-vie.blogspot.com/2010/09/my-nebulous-spirituality.html I was moved to write it after getting embroiled in an argument about Christians and the supposed bad rap they get—and about what it means to be a Christian. I found myself disclaiming Christianity as a cultural label and at a real loss for what to call myself and my path. I never disclaimed that Jesus Christ is my master. I simply wanted some distance between myself and the common modern portrait of a Christian. I am rethinking that now.

Spiritual practice on one’s own is a good thing. Spiritual practice within a community is even better. After many years of going it alone, I have decided that I need the support of other believers… and I need it consistently.

Since moving to a new town with my family, I have been regularly attending services at the Lutheran church down the street from us. I have found great comfort in participating in the rituals I was raised with: praying as a congregation, taking communion, reciting the mass, singing hymns and scripture. Regularly seeing and talking with other people of faith brings me contentment. In yoga and in Buddhism, practitioners use the Sanskrit words, “Sukha” and “Santosha”, which roughly translate as comfort and contentment. Consistent spiritual practice brings us sukha and santosha. In Buddhism, the spiritual community is referenced as the “Sangha.” In Yoga, the community is called a “Kula.” In the US of A, we like to call it “Church” or “Temple.”

Yoga practice will always be a part of my life. Buddhist meditation is a refuge for me, always. Jesus is still my favorite teacher and the divine incarnation that I choose to worship. I needed a real Sangha and I found one, within a community of other Christian believers. This is a huge step for me. I plan to follow it through and have volunteered to act as the church Treasurer to affirm my commitment. As my pastor wrote to me, “Lutherans have a tendency to enter into a new church slowly and build up to greater involvement; or not. This is in rather stark contrast to the urgency expressed by Jesus in the gospel of Mark, the call to discipleship throughout the gospels, and the cost of discipleship spelled out in Matthew's gospel.” The time has come in my life to consider what it means to believe in Jesus; if I believe, then am I also a follower? If I am a follower, does that make me a disciple? Within my Sangha, it does. My Pastor continued, “The Christian vocation leads us to new areas of commitment where called.” The Sangha asked me to serve as Treasurer. I think that means I am called. So… yes, Lord, send me!

I am grateful to have found a Christian Sangha and the strength of conviction to actively participate in it.

Meeting Fear with Acceptance-Teach it to Your Child

2011-03-23T12:04:00.000-07:00

My meditation practice and my parenting are beginning to intersect in exciting ways that I want to share. Specifically I have been able to apply lessons I am learning about responding to negative thoughts and emotions with acceptance to alleviate my son’s bedtime fears.

My four year old son Alec has recently been talking to me about “scary” things he sees in his mind. Since his verbal skills have advanced, he is now able to voice his fears to me. Since we moved into our new house, he has been talking about the “scary birds” he sees when he closes his eyes or tries to go to sleep. The first time he talked to me about the scary birds, I asked him if they were right there in the room with us and if I could see them too. He said, “You can’t see them, Mom.” I replied, “Can you see the birds in your mind?” He nodded. I asked, “Where are they? Are they out here or in your mind?” He hesitated before answering, “In my mind.” I asked what they looked like, how many of them he could see and what noises they were making. As his imagination filled in the details of the scary birds and he was able to describe them, his fear diminished. I then asked him to talk to the scary birds and tell them what he wanted them to do. He said, “Get out of here!” This worked the first time, and since then he has been asking me about the best way to deal with the scary birds when they appear.

Last night, we had a breakthrough moment with the scary birds. After our bedtime story, Alec said, “Mom, those scary birds are back and I can’t make them go away!” I asked, “What do you think they want?” He answered, “I don’t know!” I then said, “What if you tell the scary birds that you love them? Maybe they are looking for some love and have come to you to find it.” He replied, “I think the scary birds want me to be mean to them. If I am mean that will make them go away.” So I told him to try that next and see what happened. He yelled and thrashed in his covers and then told me the birds were still there. I said, “So if being mean isn’t working, see what happens if you talk nicely to the birds.” After a few seconds, he said, “I love you, birds! I love you.” Then he giggled and said, “Oh, they went away! How did you know that, Mom, that the scary birds wanted me to say that?”

We have a Chinese Buddha statue in our house that belonged to my husband’s grandparents who lived in China. Alec particularly likes the statue and the image of Buddha. So when he asked me how I knew to greet the scary birds with love, I told him to think of Buddha. I asked, “Do you know what Buddha teaches us to do?” “No, Mom,” Alec replied. “Well, Buddha helps us to understand and work with our mind so we can be happy and free. Remember how you said the birds live in your mind?” “Yes,” he answered. I explained, “Buddha teaches that if you fight against the ugly and scary things in your mind, you will make them stay longer. But if you are calm and loving to those things, like the scary birds, they will go away on their own. Like just now, when you told the birds you loved them and you waited, they went away, right? Are the birds still there?” Alec waited a moment before saying, “No. I don’t see them now.”

I was happier than usual when I left the room after Alec fell asleep. I don’t know if he understood everything I tried to convey, but I do know that he is starting to learn about acceptance vs. resistance, something I have only begun to explore in recent years. My children are my teachers and provide an inexhaustible supply of motivation for my continued spiritual growth.

2011: The New Now

2011-01-02T13:39:00.000-08:00

Opening the yoga class I attended today, our teacher Elizabeth Cooke asked if any of us had New Year’s resolutions. A silent class of yogis stared back at Elizabeth; not a single hand was raised. She seemed pleasantly surprised. I smiled as I listened to her describe our tendency to “lean into the future” at the beginning of every new year, promising to lose weight, save more money, or find one more way to improve ourselves or our lives. Lately I have been thinking a lot about acceptance and presence and where those words are pointing me. I agree with Elizabeth that those wonderful intentions we have to make new things happen this time of year can pull us away from what is. As she put it, we are here now and we are fully embodied. We have everything we need to be in the present moment.

What if the present moment is unpleasant? Does that mean we need to change it? How do we react to unpleasant circumstances and sensations? Elizabeth said, “This moment might be really crappy for you. And you may just have to be OK with feeling crappy for a while. How hard is that?” It is hard. But it is part of this experience we are having as spiritual beings in human bodies. Many of us fervently strive to avoid pain and to eliminate all suffering from our lives. How does it feel to strive that way? Does it work? Are we getting everything that we want? Is it harder to accept suffering when it comes, or to strive away from suffering?

Each moment brings a new experience, a new sensation. Naturally we love the sweeter and easier sensations. When it is time to enjoy a delicious meal, a beautiful day, making love, watching the sun set or listening to a symphony, we readily accept the experience. And we are thankful that these pleasures grace our lives. When we are in the midst of an illness, an ice storm, the loss of a loved one or a time of financial constraint, what do we do? What “should” we do? Personally, I used to pull away. Often I still do. When I am starting to get sick, I swallow Chinese herbs and vitamins, I drink a lot of tea and I try to “fight it off.” Usually I get sick anyway. Recently I have experimented with accepting sickness as its own unique experience. Sometimes it is an enforced break from business. Sometimes it brings vivid dreams due to more time spent in bed. Sometimes feeling crappy is wonderful because…it is still feeling! I am still in a body, alive and aware in the present moment.

When we accept what is, we cultivate patience. When we accept what is, we are not pulling away from the present moment, or suggesting that it needs to change. One of my sons is two years old. He is uninhibited. When he covers me with kisses and yells, “Mommy, I really love you!” in public, I happily accept his authentic behavior. When he throws a tantrum, screaming, kicking and writhing on the floor, I begrudgingly accept it. If he is in danger, I pick him up and move him. Otherwise, I let him cry it out. I find my two year old son to be a great spiritual teacher.

A great place to begin practicing unconditional acceptance is within our precious human body. Ironically, the sooner we accept something, the sooner it can change, if it needs to. If we truly need to lose weight, first we must accept the condition of being overweight. If we are sick and need to get better, first we must accept that our body is ill. Approaching the body with unconditional acceptance, we are better able to care for it enough to make it stronger and healthier. I have learned this through experience. In 2006 I contracted Lyme disease when I was pregnant. As a result, I developed permanent nerve damage in my seventh cranial nerve. Over the past four years I have gradually approached my body with more love. My recovery has been slow, but I can truthfully say that I love my body more than ever before. My smile looks a little different. One eye is a little smaller. I still believe that I am beautiful. My energy levels have been lower, but I have more physical strength than at any time in my life. Through yoga, I have learned to nurture my body. Through this nurturance, I have gained strength. Through illness, I have learned to feel well.

Through approaching all experience with acceptance, we live life more fully. Instead of leaning toward the future or leaning away from the past, we fully inhabit the now. I have nothing to say about 2011, other than: here it is, and let it be.

"Will I Have Feet When I Die?" Discussing Death with Preschoolers

2010-10-05T12:01:00.000-07:00

“What does die mean?” My son Alec, who is soon turning four, has been asking about death quite a lot. Unexpectedly, he initiates conversations about his fear of dying. My two year old echoes him, yelling, “I don’t wanna die!” Nothing seems to trigger these interjections. During a recent bath, Alec declared, “When I die, you and Daddy and Rhys are gonna die too, so our family will stay together.” On another occasion, he asked if he would still have feet when he dies.

Since death is such a hot discussion topic in my household these days, I am prompted to share how we are handling it. As a person who is spiritual but not religious, it is of great importance to me to handle this subject with care. As a mother, I want to encourage in my sons a healthy and open approach to death. I don’t want to overdo it and feed a growing preoccupation, but at the same time I don’t want to play it down.

Our family had just finished dinner when Alec’s father launched into a mini-dissertation on the meaning of death. “Dad, I just don’t want to die!” My husband, who was born in Scotland, reached for this William Wallace quote: “Every man dies. Not every man really lives.” He continued, “Here is how I see it, Alec. Because you know you are going to die one day, you do your very best in all that you do each day of your life.” He then explained that working hard and doing a good job in every endeavor defines one’s life and gives it meaning. I was thinking to myself, “This is pretty heavy for a preschooler. And I’m not sure that striving is the answer to the problem of impermanence.” I thought about busting out some lines from the Kansas song, Dust in the Wind. I refrained, not wanting to be left alone in the dining room.

When Alec first asked me what death is, I replied spontaneously, “Death means losing your body. When a person or animal dies, their body stops working. Dying means that you don’t have a body anymore.” He went on to inquire, “Will I die?” I told him that he would, and that everyone else will, too. Naturally, he asked, “Why?” I told him that is the way things work in our world. We come and go and we are always changing. And so it is. I was thankful when he fell asleep thereafter, giving me time to prepare for the next inquisition.

I have been told by psychologists and early childhood education experts that children go through phases where they think and talk a lot about death. Last year, when Alec’s class pet died, his teachers sent home an article providing tips for discussing death with preschoolers. Alec’s school director lent us a wonderful book, Lifetimes: The beautiful way to explain death to children. While I respect this input, it is essential for me to develop my own approach. I strongly believe that the way we think about death informs the way we live life.

It is possible to convey peace and confidence when discussing death with children. Our little ones can tell when we’re being honest and when we ourselves are comfortable. What we tell our kids about death is a reflection of our core beliefs. Our culture, our religion and our education present us with standard notions of death and what it means. Nonetheless, we’re not obligated to take all of that at face value. According to our own wisdom, we can bring authenticity and integrity to the discussion. Below are some foundational questions for articulating your beliefs about death. Based on your unique and truthful answers, find the approach that works best for your family.

Do you believe that there is more to humans than a physical body? If not, then be honest about the finality of death. One comforting and truthful phrase in this situation could be, “What matters is that we are here now and I love you now.” A discussion of memories that survive in the minds of loved ones is also a possibility. If you do believe in a soul that lives on, this is the perfect time to open up about that belief to your child. We tell our children, “The love and the light in you will always be alive.”
Do you have specific beliefs about an afterlife? If you do believe in a Heaven or Hell, think about how to frame these concepts for a small child. I remember a dream from early childhood about masked robbers celebrating in Heaven. This was how I made sense of what I heard in Sunday School. If you think your child is not ready to hear about Hell, dig deeper into the origins of your belief. Seek guidance from a clergy member. If it feels wrong to you to talk about something to your child, take a look at that. Don’t distrust your own feelings on the matter.
What is your view of reincarnation? If your tradition or your personal convictions uphold reincarnation, this belief has a very rich history. There are beautiful examples of the natural cycle of life, death and renewal in nature as well as in religious texts. My son has hinted at reincarnation asking if he can live a new life someplace else after he dies. I have responded that I like that idea but I’m not sure how true it is. For me, honesty feels best. We are all growing together.
Does death have implications for the way we live now? Are you a carpe diem sort of person, or does vanitas vanitatum better capture your philosophy? In my example above, my husband took a discussion about death as an opportunity to explain his work ethic to my son. According to your own values, does death move us to accomplish more, to give more of ourselves or to fully enjoy each moment? Your child will see you exemplify these values, but the words you say still have a big impact.

My Nebulous Spirituality

2010-09-29T12:18:00.000-07:00

“Kind prince, many people are pleased and satisfied with the various limited religious doctrines existing in the world today. They all hope to live in the kingdom of Heaven someday and sit sublimely at the side of their personal deity, but by entertaining such hopes and beliefs they only foster concepts of self and others, longevity and brevity, life and death, and so on without end. With such conceptual entanglements they cannot even listen to the truth, much less study, practice and embrace it or explain it to others. In this case, how can they ever uplift themselves to the subtle, central realm to be with the Universal One of One Universal Life?” –Hua Hu Ching, as taught by Lao Tzu, translation and elucidation by Hua Ching Ni.

I follow a spiritual path. Some people call it a spiritual journey. Either way, there is an implication of motion. I am not standing still. I am traveling. On my journey I meet other travelers. We exchange experiences and impressions. We encourage one another in our growth. We may walk together for brief intervals, but mostly we travel alone.

Just as in a literal journey, some of us carry heavy baggage. Others pack light. Sometimes we pack our suitcase with souvenirs, only to arrive home with some of them broken. Our heaviest bags are usually the preconceived ideas and judgments we carry with us. As I progress, I am dropping a lot of this excess poundage.

When I started down this road, my heaviest bag was Christianity. For most of my life, I had considered myself a Christian. I needed to adhere to a defined belief system. As I grow, I no longer need a clearly defined structure for my beliefs. In fact, my spirituality could be called nebulous.

The word nebulous can take on a negative connotation, as in “unclear” or “weak.” Nebulous means cloud-like; misty; hazy; lacking a definite form. I think the formless is beautiful. I like to go that formless part of my mind where new ideas emerge. I love the romantic image of mist covering the mountains. A crystal clear sky is not always the most beautiful. Mist and clouds reflect and refract light creating beautiful sunsets.

I need to let go of the concepts and doctrines of Christianity. I cannot claim to know what will happen after my death. I know nothing about an afterlife. I do not know where mind or consciousness goes after death and I believe that the body succumbs to physical decay. I do not believe in “the resurrection of the body,” as Christians do. There is very little concrete definition to my spiritual beliefs, and I see that as progress. I feel unburdened by shedding my “Christianity.”

I still read and wish to follow the teachings of Jesus. I still pray. But now, I don’t have any predetermined agenda. I can respect Christianity as a tradition and want my children to learn about it, but I don’t want us to be hindered by notions of Heaven or Hell, the judgment to come, the life everlasting, original sin or any other Christian precepts or concepts. For example, I will never tell my sons, as I was told as a child, “If you have premarital sex God will not bless your marriage,” or “Satan is always lurking nearby to defeat you.”

Jesus said, “You will know them by their fruit,” and the fruit that distinguishes Christians from other faiths is not charity. Jews, Buddhists, Muslims, Hindus and Taoists are also charitable, as are atheists. Christians are not the only ones giving aid to the sick and poor. Christians are also not distinguished by their message of hope. In fact, many preach about the end of the world and the great destruction to come. The main distinguishing feature of Christianity that I can see is its evangelism. Christians have traditionally worked hard to convert others to their faith.

In disclaiming my Christianity, I am not singling out the Christian faith as worse than the other alternatives. In general, religious doctrine is a burden to people. I simply prefer spiritual development to religious indoctrination. This has been my viewpoint for a long time, but I have persisted in calling myself a Christian when asked about my faith. Usually, it comes out as, “I am a Christian, but…” If I need to qualify my Christianity, then it is probably not serving me well as a belief system. Other Christians will undoubtedly agree with me. We all have the right to claim our beliefs with joy and confidence.

I joyfully claim my nebulous spirituality. I embrace my own values. The cultivation and pursuit of the following values form my spiritual practice: 1) Love, 2) Awareness, 3) Compassion and 4) Equanimity. There are certainly aspects of the Christian faith that are at odds with these values, for example: an emphasis on sin and the need for redemption; the concept of salvation; a focus on the afterlife rather than the here and now. There are many more opposing concepts, but those three alone are enough motivation for me to disengage from Christian faith.

How will I practice going forward? I will continue to pray. I will continue to meditate. I will continue to read the Bible along with religious texts from other faiths. I will practice yoga. I will acquaint myself more and more with presence.

Am I still a cultural Christian? Of course. I will still put up a Christmas tree. I will attend religious services with other family members who request that I do so. I will educate my sons in the tradition of their ancestors and culture. But instead of teaching them that “Jesus is the Reason for the Season,” I will tell them how Christmas was conceived. They will learn about the pagan traditions that influenced Christian holidays and the development of the Gregorian calendar. They will also learn about the unique and life changing teachings of Jesus Christ, whether or not they choose to adopt Christianity as a belief system. After all, they will be free to choose their own values as they grow. Although I cannot know this now, perhaps one day our individual paths will dissect.

Resilience Through Connection

2010-09-23T14:41:00.000-07:00

"This moment for you really is resilient, because you are facing [the legacy of bipolar] it and letting it in. Otherwise it would be fake resilience. You can slide away from things and use quasi denial, and not want to face it, and that looks resilient to the world, but that starts to crack. If you have been through this kind of shit, there’s stuff to face. If you are reacting when you hear and read this stuff, that is good. That means your inner self is waking up and saying, 'Me, me! I know about that.' Giving yourself a season to pay attention to that takes strength. I think humility is very big. Doing what looks strong on the outside isn’t always real strength. In the end, everyone has to face real emotions." - Dr. Ellen Luborsky, Psychotherapist

I interviewed Dr. Ellen Luborsky in connection with the book I am writing about the adult offspring of depressed parents. Dr. Luborsky has written professionally about depression and has worked with many grown children of the depressed.

I have taken a three month break from writing about resilience and depression. I am finding that this work brings up a lot of emotions for me. Coincidentally, my mother's struggle with bipolar disorder has taken a negative turn during this period. Facing this topic forcefully and directly is often painful.

My major obstacle in completing this work is affirming my own resilience. Fortunately, interviewing psychology experts and working with my own therapist has reinforced my confidence. The quote above illustrates the kind of encouragement I have received as a result of reaching out.

The ability to reach out and connect is actually the major predictor for psychological resilience. I am a big communicator and have thrived through connection all of my life. I use social networking and blogging not so that I can live in a fish bowl, but so that I can consistently reach out to others in the midst of parenting two young children and self-motivating on my own project.

I am decidedly resuming work on my book, and also on this blog. I haven't stopped reaching out, and I don't plan to. An integral part of this practice is my spritual column for Patch.com. Patch is local news, and I love that, because it is a way to work on a smaller scale, and to do, as Mother Teresa said, "small things with great love." For each column I connect with an individual or group in my community. Global begins with local.

In addition to the column, I am going to post regular entries here. I am excited about coming out of a reflective and nurturing period and sharing the benefits I am gaining with anyone who is interested.

Discernment: The Internal Authority Figure

2010-08-19T12:09:00.000-07:00

“If your friends told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?” Did your parents ever ask you that question in relation to peer pressure? I definitely remember hearing it and thinking that my parents were unoriginal, to say the least. Nonetheless, this trite rhetorical question serves as a reminder to navigate life with our own compass. “If your GPS tells you to drive straight into the ocean, will you follow it?” There’s an updated version.

I have been interviewing a lot of advisors lately. I write a local column about spirituality, Spirit Beat. The column features a different spiritual perspective or practice each week. To write Spirit Beat, I have to connect with people who are on a spiritual path. Most of these people are in the business of helping others, so they have theories and advice to share. I truly enjoy listening to and writing about all of them. This process is helping me to connect with my community and to define my own spirituality.

While I love gathering various theosophical perspectives, I have to be careful to remain detached from the work. On a personal level, I have to exercise discernment. Discernment is defined as “keenness of insight and judgment.” I believe that discernment is personal to each one of us. Only we know what is going to work for us and what is not. Only I know what perspectives are enriching to me and will help me to make sense of my life and relationships.

As children, we are constantly bombarded by messages from authority figures. Everyone tells us how to be and what to do: our parents, school principals, teachers, counselors, aunts and uncles. As adults, we don’t necessarily think about being guided by authority figures, but we are. Many people relate to doctors as authority figures. “She wrote me a prescription for this medication, so I have to take it.” Accountants are financial authority figures. Lawyers, psychologists and real estate agents advise us. We may not think of following professional advice as an act of obedience, but any time we surrender control of our own will to comply with someone else’s opinion, we are giving our power away. Of course, we willingly cede to the advice of others when it benefits us and when we need help. This is obviously the right thing to do, for our own self-preservation.

In following the advice of other people, whether hired professionals or trusted friends, it is a good idea to check in with our inner guidance. If my doctor tells me to take a medication that I think I do not need, I am going to research it and decide for myself. I have done this in the past and found out later that I was improperly diagnosed. By contrast, on an interpersonal level, I find myself listening not only to the people I interview for my column, but to almost anyone who has an opinion to share with me. I really want to know what people think and more often than not, I will give a lot of thought to what they say. I internally give other people the same credence that I give myself. This tendency of mine can be a real handicap. I care too much about the opinions of others, to the point that I second guess my own choices. I know I am not alone in this predicament. So what is the solution?

When reacting to external information from any source, we need to become empowered internally. We need to access the authority figure within us. We can listen to the words. We can genuinely like the person who is talking. In most instances, if someone is advising you they are well-meaning. That’s why we don’t shoot Jehovah’s Witnesses. Even if we don’t like the missionary, we can respect the mission. That doesn’t mean that we have to comply with the advice or even take it seriously. This is where discernment comes in. Am I able to separate what someone is telling me from what I personally believe to be true? Can I hold their advice up to the light of my own truth? I am finding out that I can. I can respect you and me, and follow my own path all the same.

How am I applying this with respect to Spirit Beat? I listen to what people say. I generally admire the individual expertise of each person. When I am able to sort out the information I have gathered, I give myself some mental space. This space allows me the room to change my own mind if I want to. That way I can incorporate new things I learn. In this space, I can also interview myself. “How do you feel about this? How does this compare to what you believe?” It is a moment where I simultaneously open up and create a boundary. I don’t want to be closed, but my mind needs shelter. Within the structure of my internal wisdom, there is always room for an outside perspective.

We can call on our powers of discernment in every informational exchange. It is an ability we tend to forget we possess. We live in a culture where people read headlines and run for cover. We don’t have to be those people. You are at the center of your school, and you are your own guidance counselor. If you are confused about a class, knock on the counselor’s door and talk it out. You’ll be glad you did.

Eye Splinters

2010-08-05T13:05:00.001-07:00

A former boss and friend told me, "Sometimes it's better to be alone than in the company of the wrong people." Today as I switched the car radio to WNYE, I heard this advice, "Positive thoughts, positive people, positive outcome." How can we surround ourselves with positive people that uplift us with their words and energy? We make definitive choices about who we spend time with, but we must also give out what we wish to receive. The latter is the greater challenge.

I want to be around more positive people, so I am focusing on my own thoughts. Are they positive? Are my words positive? If not, then I won't attract the type of people I'd like to meet. It is often said, "Like attracts like," and as I look back through my life I see how true this is. My friends and partners have reflected the values and priorities I have held through time. I consciously chose them, but I also unconsciously attracted them.

Currently I would love to meet people who are more focused on the heart and less focused on the ego. The ironic part of that is my new tendency to look for ego-centered behaviors in others. As I focus on posturing and self-importance in the people I meet, I judge them. In this act of judging, I am putting out the type of negative energy I seek to avoid. I would do better to let go of any judgments and simply act like the person I want to hang out with. If I encourage others when I would like to be encouraged, listen when I would like to be heard and give love when I would like to receive it, I will be surrounded with support. This is how I want to start living.

This concept also works within existing relationships. Do you want your child to calm down? Take a moment to get centered yourself, and then ask him to chill out. Do you wish your spouse would open up to you more often? Try being more open yourself. Take the initiative when you feel you have lost touch with a friend. As my husband likes to say, “The phone works both ways.”

Displaying the qualities you are looking for in others can change the dynamic of a group, as well. I have seen this recently in yoga class. It always helps when the teacher sets the tone of the class, but students can also impact the vibe. Sunday I attended a class that I usually avoid. When I walked in the people who weren’t talking loudly were already in headstands or arm balances. I feel that the class attracts type-A personalities and show-offs, but that thought is not going to help me get through the class. I tried closing my eyes and meditating on my mat until the class started. I found that the students near me were quieter and less active as a result. Of course, when the teacher started by asking, “What do you guys want to do?” and someone replied, “Kick ass!” I did not yell, “Namaste, motherfuckers!” like I wanted to. That was probably a good move. I do consciously avoid the class as a rule, just as I might avoid certain people. All the same, if I miss a favorite class and need a makeup, I can still get my practice in and enjoy it. For all I know, the teacher may take it in a different direction or my perceptions of the class could shift. Maybe next week I’ll be positive about “kicking ass.”

“Be the change you wish to see in the world,” taught Mahatma Gandhi. To get an idea of how to adjust my attitudes, I am making a list of all outward changes I would like to see. I will list everything I want for myself and the people in my life. Then I will study that list and attempt to embody it. If I start there, I am less likely to injure myself. Jesus taught, “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” Sounds painful, doesn’t it?

The Value of Religious Affiliation

2010-07-20T15:41:00.000-07:00

I made the decision to have my 2 and 3 year old sons baptized at the church where I was christened as a baby. We had the opportunity to celebrate their baptism this past Sunday on a week-long visit to my hometown. Since we do not have a church of our own, my husband and I were grateful for the support of my mother’s Lutheran church community.

When my father asked me why I chose to baptize my children, I began to articulate my individual beliefs. I do not belong to a church and my spiritual practices are in no way institutionalized. This is true for the majority of Americans and applies particularly to my generation. Nonetheless, most parents I know have held some sort of religious ceremony for their infants or young children. In March, I attended a bris for the first time. My twin nephews were recently baptized. Following these events, I thought more seriously about planning a baptism for my own sons.

My father is adamantly opposed to organized religion. I have many friends and acquaintances who agree with him. Religion can be divisive and exclusionary. Fundamentalist religious practices have caused great harm to humanity by spreading fear, hatred and violence. Christianity in particular is associated with intolerance, war and genocide. My Dad wanted to know how it was possible for me to baptize my children into a church that continues to ostracize homosexuals and includes teachings about Hell in its liturgy. Since I had already given it some thought, my answers to his questions came easily.

Institutions are created by and for humans. Human behavior does not follow simple patterns. No person is all good or all bad. Pitting good vs. evil is convenient, but simplistic. I find it impossible to separate institutions from the people that created them. I have yet to see one political, religious or social movement that does no harm. I made a common argument to my father; Christian institutions have acted both beneficially and destructively over history. He replied that I might say the same thing about the Nazis. For obvious reasons, I disagree. I continue to believe that our relationships with institutions are much like our relationships with individuals: we take what good we can from them, attempt to exist peacefully with them and support or oppose them according to our conscience. One iron-clad approach does not fit all. I do not fully condone or contest any person or any group.

I do not oppose any religion. I understand the energy of opposition. Formerly I worked in the law and will likely re-enter the practice in the future. I know how to entrench myself in a cause. Lawyers argue one side of an issue irrespective of their personal beliefs. In litigation and transactional practice, the law requires adherence to one side. Many people who are not lawyers live life in that way, supporting Y and opposing X, an approach that I find myopic. Resistance requires force and the outcome often disappoints. Hence, I try to spend less time resisting and more time cooperating.

Religious rites are acts of tribal affiliation. This is particularly evident in marriage and baptism rituals. Humans find comfort in belonging. We commemorate our belonging to a larger group through adherence to cultural rites. Our spiritual inclinations are organized into religious systems. When we affiliate with a religion, we affirm our belonging to a tribe. Christianity historically united a large number of tribes under one banner. Human tribes go to war with one another; they also create favorable alliances. If we evolve in another direction and tribal loyalties become obsolete, religion may one day disappear. The importance of religion in modern Western society is diminishing, but in many parts of the world religion continues to dominate thought and behavior. Even in our part of the world, most every person interacts with a religious institution on some level. It takes effort to avoid all weddings, funerals, and any other events with a presiding religious official. Religion has an impact on our lives, irrespective of what we believe.

Choosing to baptize a child is a clear and direct action in support of Christianity. When I chose to have my sons baptized in the same church and by the pastor who baptized me, I affirmed my ancestry. I affirmed my cultural heritage. I affirmed a church community. I also affirmed a part of who I am and what I believe. While I do not endorse every belief and practice of the Lutheran church, I cannot dismiss it as the initial source of my religious education. I am very grateful for the education I received and for the love and support that was shown to me as a child in the church where I was confirmed and had my first communion. I will not dismiss the value of affiliation in the nurturance of a child. It is important to belong; this is an undeniable human need. Religious rituals for children are intended to be sweet and memorable occasions, and for our family, this intent was preserved.

In preparation for my sons’ baptism, I promised the two presiding pastors that I would educate my sons in the Christian tradition. Indeed, I intend for my children to learn about the Old and New Testaments of the Bible. In addition to the Hebrew and Christian Bibles, I intend for them to study the texts of all spiritual traditions. As they get older, I would like to be able to talk about the Bhagavad Gita, the Koran, the Tao Teh Ching, the Yoga Sutras, the Vedas, the Upanishads and any other texts that we can discover together. I will teach them not to hate, exclude or discriminate. I will attempt to raise them in an open and affirming tradition. As a family, we will honor the divine within ourselves through respecting these outward expressions of divinity. At the same time, my sons will benefit from the context of a particular familial and cultural tradition.

The Nanny

2010-06-07T13:19:00.000-07:00

"When I am a mother, I am never going to do what she does." Words like those always come back to haunt you. Opinions I had as a twenty-two year old nanny in Paris have changed now that I am a mom.

There are some similarities between me and the mother of the two boys I nannied as a graduate student. I remember greatly admiring my boss. She was a beautiful Parisian fashion designer who worked for a famous department store. Her husband was a sculptor and film set designer who traveled the world for his job. They were the epitome of cool. I was happy to find out that she had her kids in her mid-thirties. That was my plan, too. She had two boys close in age. That's not something you can plan, but eventually so did I.

I now find that my critiques of the hip parents I worked for are behaviors I am repeating. I used to wonder why these working parents wanted me to come take their kids out of the house on Saturdays. My boss told me she needed some time alone to sleep in and do yoga. I admittedly thought this was selfish and that she should want to be with her sons on both of her days off. I don't work full time, but I do find myself using childcare hours to do yoga. What was it she loved so much about yoga that would take her away from her children? Now I know. Now I am "that mom."

Sleep is never fully appreciated until yours is constantly interrupted or you are forced to awaken at the crack of dawn every single morning. In my life, there is no sleeping in unless my husband is kind enough to get up with the kids and take them out for breakfast. I try to do the same for him on occasion. When I worked for the hip Parisians, the father was frequently traveling for work so this was not an option for my boss. Of course she wanted me to come early on Saturdays and let her get some rest. I am now incredulous that I ever questioned this routine. It was her life saver!

As I served dinner to two small boys who clamored for their "Maman," I wondered why she didn't make it home for dinner more often. After all, weren't families supposed to be together for the evening meal? Now I see that most working moms are lucky to have dinner with their children and the dads have this option only on weekends. Moreover, a quiet dinner without children is the ultimate luxury for my husband and me. While we are unusual in that we feed our boys dinner most nights, we know that we are in the minority in New York, and probably most metropolitan areas.

I was always stunned at the frequency of her childrens' illnesses. Could they possibly be sick again? I hoped I would not catch their viruses... or head lice. Unfortunately, I couldn't escape the lice and had nightmares about this for a full 10 years. Now when my own kids get sick every six weeks, it is a small hiccup. We have nearly every remedy on hand. I call our pediatrician more than my friends. Luckily, I never worry about catching things anymore--an attitude I share with the pediatrician!

"These boys have no discipline!" This was my thinking as I carried kicking and screaming children from the playground when it was time to leave. Now, I have learned to trick my sons with elaborate bribery so they will leave the park without a fuss. If we are having an off day, we get sympathetic stares as red faced, dirt covered toddlers are whisked away in a fit of angst. Oh how the mighty have fallen!

"Judge not lest ye be judged." Yes, Jesus, I hear you. And I am thankful. I am thankful that in so many ways my life resembles that of the boss I once so carelessly judged. She was the proud mama of two happy, rambunctious boys and now I am, too. She was unapologetic about needing her own time and space, and so am I. She loved her kids and she knew how to love herself, too. More than her sophisticated style, this earned her my admiration.

Efficient, not Cool: Yoga and Me

2010-04-25T15:22:00.000-07:00

Today my Sunday yoga instructor opened her class with a brief discussion of this article in the New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/25/fashion/25yoga.html?

The article is entitled "A Yoga Manifesto." Apparently the spirituality of yoga is becoming more chic and pricey. The instructors are turning into high profile "rock stars" with attitudes. Students are paying $125 per month for memberships to reputable studios. A really good mat can set you back $100. There are designer lines of yoga wear. I have seen these phenomena and the article is good reporting. Of course, these elements exist in the yoga climate. Nonetheless, I am oblivious to the "cool" aspects of yoga.

Here is why I do yoga: I don't have time to do cardio, lift weights and go to church regularly. I feel like yoga gives me more bang for my buck and greater satisfaction for time spent. Yoga does have a spiritual aspect, even if people hate the word "spiritual." If letting go of everyday preoccupations and quieting your mind so that you can balance for longer in eagle pose does not appear spiritual on the surface, then ask yourself if reciting a liturgy while thinking about your grocery list is spiritual. Is it? What the hell is spirituality, anyway? I have nothing against going to churches, temples or making a pilgrimage to mecca. I think those are all commendable uses of time. Personally, with my two toddlers, I'm not going. I'll take a rain check.

I hear people tell me they don't like yoga because they need to run on the treadmill and lift weights after class just to get a good workout. For other people, this may be true. Personally, I get physically spent enough in a good yoga class that I don't need extra cardio and weight training. When I used to work out in the traditional gym fashion, I spent twice the amount of time at the gym as I do now in yoga classes. After thirty minutes of cardio I would go to the machines and do repetitions. I never lasted long in this routine because I find cardio machines and weights incredibly boring. In addition, I never got the muscle definition and postural benefits that I see now.

Another thing I keep hearing about yoga is that it has become a sort of bandwagon for middle aged women. Now this I can see. I am approaching middle age, at 38. I can't imagine that I would be anyone's definition of cool, living in the suburbs with my two kids and my crossover SUV. I don't have any celebrity contacts. I don't frequent trendy restaurants. I never see live theater anymore. I barely get a chance to see a movie (note that I don't call it a film). I do yoga to maintain physical, mental and yes, spiritual balance, without circuit training at the gym or attending Bible studies. I find yoga to be an efficient use of my time.

Does it work? Absolutely. When I started yoga I didn't expect to drop to a size 4 without dieting 22 months after the birth of my second child. I didn't know that my sleeping patterns would become almost as predictable as those of my children. I didn't plan on synchronizing my meditation practice with a physical routine. I never saw myself as a spiritual chanting type, but now I truly enjoy maintaining a steady "om" in the right key. I feel reconnected to my childhood roots in dance class, music lessons and church. I really do. As far as I can remember, those things were never trendy.

Acceptance of Dis-ease

2010-04-16T18:14:00.001-07:00

What is your first thought when you or a loved one gets sick? How do you feel about illness? Take a moment and answer that question for yourself. Then ask yourself how you feel about your body right now. Are you aware of it? Are you indifferent, pleased, concerned or annoyed? Do you accept your body as it is? There are no incorrect answers. These questions are subjective and individual.

Many spiritual teachers and alternative healers tell us that we create the conditions in our body with our thoughts. Do you agree with this, and if so, to what extent?

I recently watched a recorded speech given by Eckhart Tolle. He spoke about the death of human bodies. He said “bodies dissolve.” He did not limit talk of death to the elderly, but he did mention that as we get older we start to look around and notice more and more bodies dissolving. I liked the terms he used to speak of illness and death. I listen to Eckhart because he is accepting of the human condition and he radiates compassion.

I like my body. I accept it. I take care of it by eating well, avoiding most toxins and exercising regularly.

I do not consciously fear death. In the past I was afraid of illness. My attitude with respect to illness has changed dramatically in recent years. I was fortunate enough to be extremely healthy for 34 years. To this day, I consider myself healthy.

At the age of 35, I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. My diagnosis came months after I contracted Lyme. Initially I experienced a painful nerve injury which paralyzed the left side of my face. I partially recovered from this injury. I also experienced back and neck pain, insomnia, fatigue, mental fog and a heart arrhythmia with a partial block. After a month of treatment with antibiotics, most of those symptoms subsided. I forgot about Lyme for the most part.

In recent weeks I am experiencing some of my initial symptoms again. I am looking into Lyme disease recurrence or what some people call “chronic Lyme.” I am not sure if it applies to me or if my symptoms can be explained by something else. I am amazed once again by how great I felt before the Lyme and also after receiving the antibiotic treatment. I don’t even feel all that bad now. I doubt that the Lyme and the ensuing symptoms are the result of my thoughts. I am not saying this is impossible. I simply doubt the theory.

Illness can be psychosomatic. Illnesses are often brought on by stress. Negative thinking patterns are certainly unhealthy. At the same time, all of us experience illness. We show love to ourselves and others by responding to illness with compassion. As we progress spiritually, we learn to accept phenomena rather than resisting. I love acceptance and what it can do for me. I feel better when I accept temporary and even permanent discomfort rather than resisting with my will, my feelings and my thoughts. I don’t like the dualistic view that puts illness and death at odds with wellness and life.

Most likely you have heard of or read Louise Hay. She is a revolutionary healer, teacher and writer. Metaphysicians, alternative healers and holistic minded people everywhere respect her work. She has authored multiple best sellers. In her books, You Can Heal Your Body and You Can Heal Your Life, she has a fairly comprehensive List of physical ailments followed by their probable mental causes and recommended affirmations for overcoming the ailments. Like many alternative healers, she refers to illness as “dis-ease,” a condition that disrupts the natural state of ease. She does not have a cause listed for Lyme dis-ease, but she does address malaria, a related illness. The probable cause of malaria in Hay’s List is, “Out of balance with nature and with life.” On an unrelated note, her listed probable cause for fistula is, “Fear. A blockage in the letting-go process.” If you have not heard of fistula, you may want to google it. I donate to a wonderful charity for this dis-ease: http://www.fightfistula.org/

The term “dis-ease” calls to mind the Four Noble Truths of Dukkha in Buddhist teachings. The philosophical meaning of dukkha is analogous to “disquietude,” as in the condition of being disturbed. The term is usually translated as suffering. Here is a definition from Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta: Setting the Wheel of Dharma in Motion: “Now this, monks, is the Noble Truth of dukkha: Birth is dukkha, aging is dukkha, death is dukkha; sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief, & despair are dukkha; association with the unbeloved is dukkha; separation from the loved is dukkha; not getting what is wanted is dukkha. In short, the five clinging-aggregates are dukkha.”

My approach to overcoming disquietude of any form is to accept it and find peace through meditation, prayer, yoga and other spiritual practices. I also try to pinpoint any thoughts that may contribute to disquietude, but I don’t have a set of affirmations or a plan to combat bodily discomfort through changing my thoughts. I accept some of my negative thoughts and feelings. I don’t particularly like dualism so I try not to spend too much time parsing out the good and bad in my mind. I feel that this could lead to obsessive thoughts and behaviors. I like the idea of letting go of thoughts, even if I am rarely able to do so.

I accept dis-ease as part of life. I am grateful for the opportunity that illness provides to care for myself and my loved ones with more love and diligence.

Unity Through Yoga

2010-03-28T13:28:00.000-07:00

A group of apparently disconnected bodies moves through a space together for a short time. When the time is over, the bodies chant the sound of "om" and then bow to one another saying, "namaste." There is now a discernable connection. This connection is healing and it feels like peace, power and unity.

My favorite translation of "namaste" is this: May the light in me respect and reflect the light in you. My teacher Sinda says this at the close of her classes. This weekend I attended a class taught by Freddie Wyndham. When he said "namaste," he also said "shalom." I was very touched by this. With Passover and Easter on the horizon, he wished each of us a happy celebration according to our individual faith. I was inspired by his ability to unite a random group of people with a single purpose: Love. He reminded us that Love is at the core of our being and Love is our true identity. I experienced Love during his class.

Not coincidentally, I have been speaking with a lot of my peers lately about their chosen stress relievers and paths to wholeness. I am researching a book on grown children of the mentally ill. Many of us do yoga. Two people I have interviewed did yoga every day for a month as part of a grieving process. One woman said that the experience of moving through the asanas in a room with a group of other bodies made her a little stronger each day after losing one of her parents. Everyone I have spoken with who does yoga regularly benefits from the unity of the practice.

There is so much divisiveness in our society. We have red states and blue states. We have pro-choice and anti-abortion individuals. We have racial tension. We have religious differences. We have economic and social divides. We have working mothers and stay-at-home mothers, and a new group called "hybrid moms." We have vegetarians, vegans, meat eaters and people who love fast food. We have home schoolers, magnet schoolers, Montessori schools and Catholic schools. We have a news media that is constantly trying to smack labels on people. It is a wonder that we manage to connect at all.

Our ability to connect and share Love with others is a miracle. It is the greatest miracle of humanity. I wish to focus on this miracle rather than spend my time thinking about all of the issues that divide us. I experience this miracle through yoga. I have also experienced this miracle through music.

How do you experience the miracle of connection with those who are "different" from you? Do you believe in differences or do you believe in unity? Do you believe in Love?

Alcohol and the Mind/Body/Spirit Connection

2010-03-21T19:31:00.000-07:00

It is common knowledge that the world's major religions do not condone drunkenness. Nonetheless, the abuse of alcohol continues to thrive in many cultures worldwide, particularly in wealthier nations. Many people who claim to be, or who indeed are religious or spiritual continue to drink alcohol. Until recently, I was certainly one of those people.

For most of my life I was able to tolerate moderately high alcohol consumption. I started drinking in high school and hadn't really stopped recreational drinking until recently. I was never abusing alcohol to the point of addiction or damage to my health, but I was a regular social drinker. When I first met my husband, we spent a great deal of time in bars together. Most of our family members drink or used to drink recreationally. In the past, splitting a bottle of wine with my husband at dinner was normal behavior for me, even after having children. This is no longer true. Why? My body simply cannot tolerate more than one glass of wine or beer, and on a rare occasion, one cocktail. After analyzing this physiological change, I have concluded that my new intolerance of alcohol results from the mind-body-spirit connection.

As an adolescent and young adult, I was always interested in spirituality but had never undertaken a true spiritual path. As a working adult and then a new parent, I was more focused on getting through what I perceived to be day-to-day life; spiritual seeking wasn't a real priority for me. I prayed, but I had no regular spiritual practice.

Since January of 2009, I have been regularly practicing Buddhist meditation, reading a daily Bible scripture, reading other favorite religious texts such as the Bhagavad Gita and praying daily. Since September of 2009 I have been regularly practicing yoga 3 to 4 times per week. Gradually over the past 15 months I have noticed some dramatic changes in not only my thinking and my emotions, but also in my body. Foremost among these physical changes is my aversion to alcoholic beverages. I still enjoy the taste of wine, but I have to be vigilant about limiting my intake of it or I suffer from crippling physical fallout. Three glasses of wine at dinner will knock me out physically for the majority of the following day. I do not attribute this change to aging, because my older relatives and friends can drink me under the table. I am fairly certain that my body is being transformed in conjunction with my mind and spirit. Had I heard someone tell me this two years ago, I would have been skeptical. Now, I understand how spiritual and mental contentment are not compatible with intoxication. I understand this not only on an intellectual level, but on a basic physical level. This is a true breakthrough for me.

In the interviews I am conducting for my book on grown children of severely depressed or mood disordered parents, alcoholism is a constant theme. I had not expected this. I am over half way through my interviews, and almost every person I have spoken with has either battled with alcoholism or had an alcoholic parent. When I was younger a psychologist warned me that I have alcoholic tendencies. There is certainly a connection between depression and self-medication with alcohol. I am extremely grateful be to learning about this connection in-depth. This lesson coincides beautifully with my own progress in this area.

I would like to leave you with some spiritual teachings on intoxication from three different belief systems: Buddhist, Christian and Yogic. When I read these words now, they have an entirely different meaning for me than they did when I first encountered them. May you be richly blessed in your mind, body and soul.

"Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I vow to cultivate good health, both physical
and mental, for myself, my family, and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking, and consuming.
I vow to ingest only items that preserve peace, well-being and joy in my body, in my consciousness, and
in the collective body and consciousness of my family and society. I am determined not to use alcohol
or any other intoxicants, or to ingest foods or other items that contain toxins, such as certain T.V.
programs, magazines, books, films and conversations. I am aware that to damage my body and my
consciousness with these poisons is to betray my ancestors, my parents, my society, and future
generations. I will work to transform violence, fear, anger, and confusion by practicing a diet for myself
and for society. I understand that a proper diet is crucial for self-transformation, and for the
transformation of society." (The Five Wonderful Precepts, by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh.)

"And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit." (Ephesians 5:18)

"Yogis do not touch alcohol, since they consider it to lower the vibrations of their subtle body (astral body). This defeats the purpose of yoga, which is to increase the vibrational level so they can gradually unfold their Higher Self. Yoga also considers alcohol to have an adverse effect on the central nervous system, and in particular the brain. The integrity of the central nervous system is considered very important by the yogis, since one of the goals of yoga is to improve the health of this system, and much of the progress of yoga is achieved via this vital communication system.
Modern science agrees with yoga on this point, since alcohol is known to first stimulate and then shortly afterwards depress the central nervous system.
Alcohol also causes poor sleep. Alcohol cannot compare with the effects of yoga. Yoga produces a natural stimulation without the depressing after-effect. Yoga also produces a general feeling of elation. The increase in life force produced by practicing yoga cannot be duplicated by drugs." (Yoga's View of Nutrition, from Holisticonline.com)

Chick Chalet

2010-03-08T10:46:00.000-08:00

Once upon an early March, Gabrielle invited two friends to stay the weekend at her ski chalet. She was tired from a Wall Street week, yet eagerly anticipating teaching ski lessons and hanging out at night with her girlfriends.

Gabrielle took the bus to the mountain on Thursday. She was brusquely greeted by deep and crunchy snow covering the path to the front door. Once inside, she discovered Jack passed out on the couch with her comforter. The gall! Something smelled funny. "Jack, wake up! My friends are visiting this weekend! It reeks in here! Can you go air out that comforter?" Gabrielle busily set about tidying the chalet from a week of male fallout.

Finally, at 7:15 Anaya arrived with her rolly carry-on bag, pillow and stuffed panda bear. Gabrielle fielded a series of cell phone calls with questions like, "After I turn into the entrance and go over the bridge what stop sign is the one?" "OK, now I'm in front of a sign that reads, Lodging and Parking. Which road is it?" "Wait, you just saw my headlights? No, I don't see a black SUV." Eventually Anaya parked in front of the black SUV. To her dismay, she realized rolling luggage was an uninformed choice. Jack and Brennan were leaving with their stuff when Anaya stepped into a giant mound of snow in an attempt to hoist her bag. Jack: "Whatever you do, don't step off of the path, OK?" Anaya: "What path? I can't even see." Jack: "Gabrielle, can you come help her?" Gabrielle: "Yes, yes, I'm coming! Hi doll!!" Anaya: "So I see why you chose a duffle bag." Jack: "Yeah. Umm... have fun, bye."

Upon entering the chalet, Gabrielle showed Anaya a cozy little room with a skylight and a painting of "Paris By Night". Anaya liked the room, but then noticed another one with a framed tapestry of a knight on the door. That room had serious appeal. Anaya asked if she could bunk there. Gabrielle: "That's Brennan's room. He doesn't like anyone else to take it." Anaya: "That's OK. He'll never know. I'll put everything exactly in the spot where it was when I leave." Gabrielle: "OK! You're brave! Go for it!" Thursday night was catch-up time for the girls, and Gabrielle showed Anaya her photos from Sri Lanka, Vietnam and Thailand. Anaya was moved by the beautiful photos of lotus flowers, long boats, reclining Buddhas and wat temples. She had heard stories of Gabrielle's time volunteering in two orphanages, but the photos of the children cemented these stories in her heart. After some homemade pasta, tea and hot chocolate, it was bedtime.

Friday morning, this was the view from Brennan's window.

Anaya asked a question to no one in particular: "Does Superman live here?" Gabrielle was out the door with her gear before Anaya could make coffee. Anaya wandered around in her pajamas, started a fire and drank some mochachino. She climbed up to the loft and completed a transcription for her book. Before she knew it, the day was done and Gabrielle showed up at the chalet with Nathan and some beers. After one beer, Anaya went out for candles and more firewood. Gabrielle was ready for dinner at 7:00, so two old friends went out in Tannersville to feast on champagne, cheese fondue and rotisserie chicken.

Young boys stalked their table repeatedly shouting, "stinky cheese! stinky cheese!" Anaya said, "This is my future, Gabrielle. I should miss my boys right now but I don't." After bedtime tea by the fireside, Gabrielle and Anaya retired to their rooms in anticipation of another fun day with a new guest.

Adina arrived right after lunch. To Anaya's surpise, she had a broken hand! No skiing for Adina. Nonetheless, a new friendship was forged and the two went up the mountain to meet Gabrielle for apres-ski. Even though Anaya's Alma Mater lost a bastketball game to the dreaded Jayhawks, she was consoled by a free Goose and Juice from a sympathetic bartender. A seat next to this fire pit dissipated her bad mood.

Because of texting mishaps, Gabrielle could never find her girlfriends when lessons were over. Adina and and Anaya tried another bar, then left to escape Wayne. In spite of his good intentions, Wayne's uninvited physical contact and repeated invitations for dinner and cocktails at his house were creepy.

Gabrielle was waiting back at the chalet when her skeeved friends showed up. Adina: "What should we do now?" Anaya: "Let's go out!" Gabrielle: "Ugh! My legs are so tired. I need to change out of these clothes and relax a bit." Anaya: "Shall we order in and then go out later?" Unanimous: "Yeah." The order was placed, picked up and brought back. To everyone's surprise, the Sesame Chicken was identical to the General Tso's other than the sesame seeds sprinkled on top. Adina: "Why would they do that? Do they think we're complete idiots?" The Lemon Chicken went over a bit better. Still, the food didn't really sit right with anyone. A beer didn't help. Tea didn't help much either. The fire felt nice. No one really wanted to go out anymore. Adina had brought up a Netflix DVD, Bend It Like Beckham. The group decision was to watch this film together. There was one problem. The DVD player was disconnected from the television since the male ski instructors had been using their Wii and another playstation during the week. Adina and Gabrielle attempted to rectify the problem with little success. Gabrielle: "This is what men are supposed to do!" Anaya: "I'm sure I could figure it out if that was my motivation, but I just don't want to get up." Adina: "If I had a flashlight I could see which color of cord plugs into this hole." Anaya: "If this is what men are for, what are we supposed to do?" Adina: "Look good! We show up and look good. That's why the men have to pay for the dates. We have to pay for yoga and pilates classes, highlights, facials, manicures...by the time we're ready for a date we've already spent $500 to look like that. That's why they pay." Gabrielle: "Well, screw this. Let's just watch TV." Adina: "Oh good, Boston Legal's on!" Gabrielle: "I hate that show. There are already so many bad stereotypes about lawyers." Anaya: "But they're all true! That's why I avoid law firms."

After a few minutes of Boston Legal, Anaya got restless, jumped up and walked away with purpose. She indavertently ran into a wall, bruising her hip. "Oww!!" Gabrielle: "Are you OK? What's wrong with you all of a sudden?" Anaya: "Well, I just thought we were going to do something. You know, I came up here, arranged for babysitting, left my husband with my kids all weekend and now we are just sitting around watching Boston Legal! This is a little disappointing to me." Gabrielle: "Well, thanks for making me feel like shit." Anaya: "That wasn't my intention. I'm just annoyed." At that comment, Gabrielle, exhausted from a day of teaching four year olds how to to ski, retreated to her room making sure to drop off Anaya's broken hairbrush on her way. For some reason, Adina and Gabrielle both forgot their hairbrushes so everyone shared Anaya's. As Murphy's law would dictate, the handle fell off the brush on Friday morning. Somehow no one had a bad hair day and the broken brush sufficed. It's hard to ruin pretty hair.

Adina wasn't tired and still planned to watch a movie; any movie. As it happened, We Were Soldiers was airing on a major network. Anaya settled onto the couch to watch with her. Following the scenes of soldiers' wives receiving death announcements via telegrams, a tearful Anaya went to bed. Adina was a trooper and watched to the end.

Sunday got off to a great start. Gabrielle got front door pick-up service from her fellow instructors. Adina and Anaya slept in a little. Anaya surprised Adina with homemade pancakes and coffee. After a leisurely morning chat, the two cleaned up the house for Gabrielle and the guys. Then they went for a drive to refresh some supplies. There were no hairbrushes to be found. This was of no consequence. Up the mountain they went, in search of sun, food and company. None of these were in short supply.

The mountain was full of happy skiers coming off the slopes and chilling on the deck. Saranac and Coors Light were on tap. Pizza and burgers were available. While waiting for Gabrielle, the women enjoyed beer and pizza and met some fun characters. Eventually they moved inside and found Gabrielle at the bar with some other people. Doc, the Vietnam War Vet with piercing blue eyes and a passion for the Catskills; Mark, the hypnotist with a winning personality and esoteric insight; Glen, the MD and former NYPD cop with an adorable five year old daughter. It was a fun crowd, so much so that Anaya lost track of time and forgot to leave on schedule for her boys' bedtime. When they looked at their watches, Adina and Gabrielle realized they had missed the bus.

A departure plan was devised. Anaya would drive them all back and get them on the 9:46 to Grand Central from Tarrytown. Dinner? A quck drive-thru at the McDonald's in Saugerties. Adina and Gabrielle went for the Big Macs but Anaya can only eat the Quarter Pounders. Keeping a steady speed of 80 miles per hour and listening to Michael Jackson, OMD, and Country music, the women just made it to Tarrytown in time. Gabrielle sat in a child safety seat the entire drive. Upon arrival at the train station, she was worried about leaving trash in the car. Adina: "Come on! I see the train! We still have to cross the platform!" Anaya: "Go now!! Screw the trash, I'll take care of it! Run!!" They made it on as the doors were closing. Anaya headed straight to Stop and Shop to buy milk and juice for her little boys. The store had just closed. Along with another man trying to buy Pepto-Bismol for his wife, Anaya begged the employees to open the doors. At long last, the good people of Stop and Shop caved and let them in. Milk and juice were purchased. Anaya made it home and kissed two sleeping boys in their beds. One man who was wide awake got some kisses, too. A great finish to a perfect Catskills weekend!

Resilience in Offspring of the Mentally Ill

2010-02-28T15:13:00.000-08:00

My mother is a thoughtful, kindhearted and vivacious individual who carried me in her womb and nurtured me from birth to adulthood. She happens to be mentally ill. Unfortunately for her and for me, her diagnosis with severe bi-polar disorder came quite late. We suffered together for many years. She battled her illness long before I came into her life.

For the benefit of my mother, myself and others like us, I am working on a healing project. I am completing research for a book about grown children of parents with depressive disorders. A clinical psychologist is reviewing my work and guiding my process. The greatest component of my project is interviewing others like me. I have completed four interviews and have three more scheduled for this week. Additional volunteers have offered to participate in the interviewing process as it unfolds. Ideally I would like to interview 10 men and 10 women. I am interviewing individuals with both diagnosed and undiagnosed depressive parents. Far fewer depressive conditions were diagnosed in prior generations. Like my mother, many people suffer for years before receiving an effective diagnosis and treatment. From our collective experiences, we can help ourselves and our peers to maintain loving relationships within the family. More importantly, we can discover and appreciate our own resilience. According to mental health experts, "the offspring of depressed parents constitute a high-risk group for psychiatric and medical problems, which begin early and continue through adulthood." (Offspring of Depressed Parents: 20 Years Later, American Journal of Psychiatry, June 2006.) I am interested in how we are doing in spite of what the best research says about us. Do we plan to beat the odds, and if so, how? What do we have to offer to those who may not fully understand depression and its casualties? How do we best approach the topic of generational healing?

The book that most closely approximates my project is, Daughters of Madness: Growing Up and Older with a Mentally Ill Mother, authored by Susan Nathiel and published by Praeger in 2007. Susan Nathiel writes, "Certain children seem to fare well in adversity, so much so that we shake our heads and wonder how in the world they came out of chaos, abuse, or neglect in one piece. Researchers originally thought that some kids were 'invulnerable' to early stress, but this has been shown not to be the case. Resilient kids, as they are called, do suffer damage from early family dysfunction. Puzzling out the 'how' of this has been the work of many researchers, and the answers still aren't complete. What we do know is that, because of some children's inborn qualities or certain factors in the environment, they're able to make strong connections with people and/or find a meaningful focus for their positive energies."

Rather than coming at resilience from a clinical angle, I am entering through a more subjective door. My approach is personal and collective. I am also attempting to balance the gender scale on this project. Daughters of Madness and several books like it address the experiences of women. I have been talking to some men and I am interested in hearing from others. It is well known that depression affects both men and women and sons suffer right along with daughters of the mentally ill. I want to bring these sons into the discussion.

If you have any interest in my project or know of someone else who might, please e-mail me at michlgh@aol.com. As mentioned above, I am specifically seeking additional men who may agree to an interview. I also need 5 more women, so any and all inquiries are welcome.

Unincorporated Montana, Anyone?

2010-02-18T19:29:00.000-08:00

Normally my posts are uplifting. I would rather write about the things I am for than the things I am against. I would rather be defined by what I am than by what I am not. Nonetheless, there are times when I want to vehemently stand apart from a movement, an ideology, or even a person. I know this is not a good use of mental energy and it can actually set me back. Tonight, I don't mind being set back a little. I'm ready to go on vacation and spend a week in my bikini with my kids and my husband. Here is some stuff than I am not:

1. I am not a Mommy Blogger or a She Blogger or a Marketer.

2. I am not a Holistic Mom.

3. I am not a Bible Christian.

4. I am not Political.

5. I am not in a Book Club.

6. I am not a Spinner.

7. I am not a Shopper.

8. I am not a Mini-Van Driver.

9. I am not trying to Attract Wealth.

10. I am not trying to Win Friends and Influence People.

There. That just about covers it. My husband says that if he had it to do over again he would be a Gay Poet Farmer in Unincorporated Montana. I would actually like to do that too, except for the gay part. I am attracted to men. I don't think my husband is actually gay. We just like the gay lifestyle, even though we are straight. We support gay marriage. Montana seems like a beautiful state. I have farming in my lineage. I could spend my evenings writing poetry. Our kids might turn out a little strange. On the other hand, with their DNA they're already gonna be strange. Maybe we'll bag New York for Montana one of these days.

This Little Prayer of Mine--A Mother's Review

2010-02-06T13:52:00.000-08:00

In January 2010, WaterBrook Press published Anthony DeStefano’s third book, This Little Prayer of Mine. Anthony DeStefano has a unique approach to the promotion of Christian beliefs in secular society. His first two books, A Travel Guide to Heaven and Ten Prayers God Always Says Yes To are imaginative and colorful road maps to religious topics that are often discussed yet vaguely understood. Although he uses the Bible as a guide, DeStefano interprets heaven and prayer through the lens of his own creative vision and heartfelt convictions. Unlike a religious authority haranguing from a pulpit, DeStafano is a regular husband, father and businessman who also happens to be a modern Christian mystic. He is the CEO of a Catholic not-for-profit organization and has received numerous awards from international religious organizations, including the “Defender of Israel” medal from the Jerusalem Center for Peace Studies in 2003.

This Little Prayer of Mine is a children’s book aimed at facilitating the practice of prayer in the home from a tender age. Parents and small children can be inspired by the simple and positive message contained within 33 pages delightfully illustrated by Mark Elliott. Upon receiving my hand autographed copy in the mail, I read This Little Prayer of Mine to my 1 year old and 3 year old sons. Like many parents of toddlers, my husband and I read to our boys each night before bed. Recently we have introduced books about God, the Bible, Jesus and prayer into the usual circuit. Religious instruction at such a young age is a delicate subject in many families, especially in modern society. Many families have mixed religious backgrounds and may not attend any place of worship regularly. Parents are often concerned about introducing metaphysical concepts to little children.

How can we expect our children to understand communication with the Divine, a spiritual realm or an afterlife when our own beliefs on these subjects exist in such a nebulous territory? My own opinion closely mirrors this quote from Bernice A. King, the daughter of Martin Luther King Jr. and Coretta Scott King: “Every day we must live in a close, trusting relationship with God, always looking to Him for comfort and direction through prayer. This Little Prayer of Mine is the springboard for helping children to establish that type of lifelong relationship with our heavenly Father.” Throughout my journey in this life, I have always had the comfort of faith in God and the confidence and ability to pray to Him. Like anyone, I cannot claim to follow a perfect spiritual path. We should beware of any human claiming total mastery or perfection. Nonetheless, the lessons I learned as a toddler about taking my cares to God in prayer have remained with me to this day. We all have our trials to endure and we know that our children will suffer as well. Suffering is part of human existence. Teaching our children to pray is among our most noble and essential tasks as parents; Anthony DeStefano offers this accessible and enjoyable tool to get us there.

For me, the defining characteristic of this children’s guide to prayer is its emphasis on honest communication with the Creator rather than ritualistic phrases or repetitive requests. From this book, children will learn that prayer is about sharing thoughts and feelings with God, not just asking for things they may want. Most importantly, there is no need to hide fear, sadness, regret or confusion from God. This Little Prayer of Mine teaches that God loves us as we are, children and adults alike. DeStafano seems to understand that God loves the whole person, not just the idealized version of who we are supposed to be as believers. This is an advanced concept, but one that can be modeled from early childhood. I want my children to share their deepest dreams and desires with God to nurture confidence in their own abilities. It is also crucial for me that my sons learn to accept themselves in the truest sense, and I believe that open communication with God is a cornerstone to healthy self-esteem. If there is one phrase I would like them to remember, it is this one: “But when I trust in you, my God, and in your plan for me, I know there’s nothing in the world that I can’t do or be.”

Who's Your Aquarius?

2010-01-30T14:40:00.000-08:00

“Who’s your Daddy?” is a commonplace phrase, generally asked as a rhetorical question suggesting dominance over the interlocutor. My Daddy is an Aquarius. The Sun is in the astrological sign of Aquarius from January 21 through February 19. Aquarians are known to be original, inventive, unconventional, independent, friendly and humanitarian. My father embodies each of those qualities. They are also known to be perverse and unpredictable at times. “Fanatical eccentricity” is another trait listed on the astrology-online.com profile, and I wholeheartedly agree with that one.

Growing up with an Aquarian father has been a real adventure for me, complete with ups and downs. On the whole my feelings for my father are quite warm. I have learned a great deal from his openness and intellectual curiosity. His birthday present from me is a tribute to his Aquarian voyage through life up to now.

Aquarians are known for changing directions in their open search for truth. These individuals are not afraid to venture into unknown territory, changing jobs, entering new relationships and experimenting with various schools of thought. Daddy has lived this way for the majority of his life.

CHILDHOOD

David Garrison was born February 2, 1938 in Tipton, Missouri. He worked his first summer jobs beginning at age 5 on his grandfather’s farm in Anderson, Missouri. At one time, Anderson was “the strawberry capital of the world.” Daddy spent several summers picking strawberries and grapes in the patches and vineyards of southern Missouri.

At the age of 10, he moved to a town called Clarkton in the Missouri Bootheel. There he helped his father and brothers to construct a church. Once the church was built, he picked cotton during the warm months of the year. Back then, the Bootheel was “cotton country.”

My grandparents bought a family farm in Tipton Ford, Missouri when Daddy was 12. He helped his brothers and sister to milk cows and take care of other livestock including chickens and hogs. He raised a favorite pig called “Whopper.” As he was quite fond of Whopper, he disliked the paternally imposed initiation rite of killing and slaughtering Whopper. My grandfather wanted to teach him that as a meat eater, he needed to overcome his emotional attachments to the farm animals.

My grandfather Wayne was a school principal in addition to working as a farmer. As time went on, Wayne decided to construct homes as well. When Daddy was 14 he started working with his brothers, father and grandfather laying brick, roofing and plumbing. His construction work continued for the remainder of his time in junior high and high school.

ADULTHOOD

Following high school, Daddy completed two years at Joplin Junior College. He then decided to explore his employment options in Tulsa, Oklahoma. He worked as a shoe salesman, a file clerk for a manufacturing company and a file investigator at an insurance company before deciding that a college degree would be necessary for vocational satisfaction. He enrolled for two more years at The University of Missouri-Columbia. He earned a B.S. in Education while living at home with his parents and laying brick as a part-time job.

My parents got married after college and moved back to my mother’s hometown of Joplin. Daddy’s first job out of college was selling “Baby Butler” products, safety equipment for babies such as high chairs and cribs. He got his leads from birth announcements in the local newspaper.

When my parents got up the courage to leave southwest Missouri, they both found teaching jobs in Kansas City. Daddy taught General Science and Physical Health to junior high school students. To earn extra money, he sold World Book Encyclopedias door to door in the evenings. When he was offered a traveling sales job for significantly more money he took a job with Corning Glass Works for 3 years. While still living in Kansas City, Daddy was offered another sales job with Champlin Petroleum Company, first in sales promotion and then as a District Sales Manager.

Since my maternal grandfather was also in the oil distribution business, he was able to convince Daddy to return to Joplin to work as an “oil jobber” for Champlin. When the local Mobile distributor passed away, he was offered that man’s job. He then managed 8 service stations which he converted one by one into convenience stores. At the time, convenience stores were a novelty. He turned this new business into a company called “Pronto Enterprises” and by the time I was in high school he had 25 convenience stores and 3 truck-stops. Because of a longstanding tax and accounting error, Pronto Enterprises was forced to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in 1987. In 1990 the company had to be liquidated. Pronto stores were no more, but a lot of folks remember them.

Daddy’s next venture was a recreational horse-riding park called “Happy Trails.” I remember brainstorming with the family to come up with that name on a long drive to the Grand Canyon. 18 saddle horses and 8 draft horses lived in the stables at Happy Trails. The stables and trails were all on the 200 acres of land where we lived in the family house. Before the official opening of Happy Trails, I helped my sisters, my stepmother and our French foreign exchange student to break in the trails with the horses. We got through a couple of minor injuries while having a lot of fun. The saddle horses were Appaloosas and Quarter Horses. The draft horses were Belgians and Percherons. Happy Trails offered wagon and trolley rides. At Halloween we had something called “Spooky Trails,” featuring horse-drawn wagon rides at night up and down wooded hills with all kinds of scary actors and macabre displays.

Daddy always loved to smoke fish, turkeys, brisket, ribs and steaks in his smoker, so in 1993 he opened Uncle Dave’s BBQ Restaurant. To this day he uses hickory wood to smoke his meats. Uncle Dave’s served a loaf of homemade bread and apple butter to every table. Of course, the restaurant served the full array of Southern style sides. I know, because I worked there for a year as a hostess and waitress. The restaurant was a tiring endeavor so Daddy sold it in 1996.

LIFE AS A SENIOR

From 1996 until the present day, David Garrison manages a fun small business called, “Paintball Ridge.” Logically, Paintball Ridge is located on the same land where Happy Trails once entertained adventurous customers. Paintball Ridge claims to be Missouri’s largest paintball park, “complete with 6 playing fields, a 2,500 square foot pro shop and a party room.” http://www.paintballridge.com/ I know how much Daddy has enjoyed working with teams of young players over the years and he still gets excited about tournaments and historical enactments.

FUN FACTS ABOUT DAVE

Most folks call my father “Dave.” Dave’s career path is certainly unconventional. Times have been tough, but he always seems to have fun with his work. I never heard him say he was bored. As a quick addendum to this chronological history, let me thrown in some final quirky details:

• Dave is on his fourth marriage, and Ying Chau (Candy) is a devoted spouse and an energetic life partner.

• Although my father attends no church at this time, in the past he has attended many churches and he started one of his own when I was in junior high school. His church was called “Praise Place”; with a name like that, you guessed right if you envisioned a full band and lots of singing.

• When I was 23 Dave invited a sect of an international religious community to take up residence on his land. These people still live there and have reconstructed a large barn into a lovely house. They also have several cabins and mobile homes on their section of the land. The group does international humanitarian work and they live communally. Members of the group rotate through their Joplin location on a regular basis, usually to receive training for various missions.

• Dave is a longtime champion of LGBT rights and spent several years actively participating in Joplin’s largest open and affirming place of worship. He used to cook and serve meals for 100+ economically disadvantaged persons every Wednesday evening at this church.

• When I was little, Daddy claimed to be an agnostic. Over the years he has changed his position and now claims a firm belief in the Divine. He shares my interest in interfaith studies and we are both learning a lot about Eastern religions and philosophy.

• Daddy’s maternal great-grandfather was a Cherokee Healer. Both his great-grandfather and his grandfather are listed on the Cherokee rolls in District No. 10. With my aunt, Daddy has made several visits to the Cherokee Nation Headquarters in Tahlequah, OK to formally document our family’s Cherokee ancestry.

• Native American Fellowship Circles have been held on my father’s land on many occasions. These ceremonies have included bonfires, drumming, smudging and singing. Among others, the following tribes have participated: Cherokee, Pottawatomie, Choctaw, Inuit and Osage.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!

Buttoned Up: Eliminate Mental Clutter

2010-01-28T13:17:00.000-08:00

Buttoned Up, Inc. is an innovative company "whose mission is to give women the tools they need to live an organized life not a life of organization." Four women founded the company in 2004. At http://www.getbuttonedup.com/, you can find "free life organization tips, tools and help from organizational gurus," as well as a variety of useful organizational products for sale. I consider myself lucky to have one of these gurus living in my community. Sarah Welch was kind enough to invite me to post on the company website. My angle on getting buttoned up is to start from the inside. Check it out:

www.getbuttonedup.com/2010/01/eliminate-mental-clutter/

Circle of Faith

2010-01-24T13:19:00.000-08:00

In the wake one of the greatest humanitarian disasters of our lifetimes, I was able to find some comfort last week when I attended a Native American healing circle. Healing is not only for our bodies, but also for our minds and spirits. This was my first experience with a healing circle. Each participant arrived with different worries and pains. As I discovered, the circle was a collective rendering of prayer and praise to the Creator allowing for the healing of collective and individual hurts. An attitude of reverence and gratitude was modeled and then followed. This created a sacred space for expression, celebration, confession and edification.

The healing circle was held at Human Body Works in Hastings-on-Hudson, New York. The Reverend Christan Burran, also known as Walking Deer Woman, presided over the ceremony. Rev. Burran is an Interfaith Minister of Cherokee ancestry. She has over 15 years of training with Native Elders in Sacred ceremony. I was immediately interested in attending her healing circle since, 1) I am on a healing journey, 2) I have considered training as an Interfaith Minister, and 3) I also have Cherokee ancestry on both sides of my family, as do many people from my geographical home of origin.

I felt at peace and at home during the ceremony. In her opening words, Walking Deer Woman laid a beautiful foundation. She spoke of grace and humility, two increasingly rare spiritual concepts. Grace and humility have been recurring themes in my prayers, dreams and meditations over recent years. I aspire to these qualities, so difficult to grasp or attain with consistency.

Amazing Grace is my husband's favorite spiritual song, and it was also my grandfather's. I was told by a yoga instructor days before the healing circle that she recites parts of Amazing Grace as a mantra. As a girl, I was taught that we are "saved by Grace, through Faith."

Humility is a quality even more elusive than Grace. I believe this to be true in our times, and I surmise that it has always been true in many cultures. Yeshua said, "And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant" and "whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted" (Matthew 20:27, 23:12). Walking Deer Woman spoke of the high value placed on humility in Native American culture. Who among us has not been chided for acting in a humble manner? Humility is not associated with success in Western culture--a bold, but true claim.

In light of the recent earthquake and ensuing after shocks in Haiti, many of us are attempting to reach out. If we are unable to travel to Haiti, we give our material goods, financial gifts and prayers. Prayer was central to the Native American healing circle. We prayed together for the earthquake victims. This helped to ease the sense of isolation everyone feels upon hearing in words or perceiving in images terror, pain and gut-wrenching devastation. I believe in the power of prayer. Praying alone is powerful; group prayer exponentially expands that power. I need to pray more, especially with other people. The Native American healing circle was just the motivation I needed to seek out community worship as a regular part of my life.

In closing, here is a prayer from the Native American ceremony that can be used irrespective of individual faith or beliefs. May it comfort you in times of sorrow and disruption:

Peace in my heart brings peace to my family.
Peace in my family brings peace to my community.
Peace in my community brings peace to my Nation.
Peace in my Nation brings peace to the Earth.
Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with me.

Living Your Yoga @ Mount Madonna Center

2010-01-14T18:29:00.000-08:00

Judith Hanson Lasater, Ph.D., P.T., led a four day yoga retreat from January 8-12, 2010 at Mount Madonna Center in Watsonville, California. My expression of joy and gratitude for the gift of attending this retreat is contained herein.

I. The Encapsulated Experience

The "Living Your Yoga" retreat was based in part on Judith's book, A Year of Living Your Yoga. Those of us who attended experienced both refuge and stimulation of the mind, body and spirit in a uniquely supportive and nourishing environment. The expertise and insight of Judith Lasater and her gifted colleagues blended harmoniously with the enlightened mission of the Mount Madonna Center, providing an extraordinary opportunity for holistic restoration.

II. Personal Perspective

I came into the retreat as a relative neophyte. My own experience with yoga consists of sporadic gym yoga classes in NYC and Paris as a younger woman, one excellent pre-natal yoga class at a reputable studio in Brooklyn, then more recently 4 months of regular attendance at Vinyasa and Hatha yoga classes at New York Sports Clubs. Gym yoga has been a convenient option for me since I have a one-year old and a three-year old and my gym has child care options. I have practiced at home with DVDs, yet have not had the option of premium, individualized instruction. I chose the "Living Your Yoga" retreat based on Judith's outstanding credentials and longstanding reputation as a teacher of yoga, East/West psychology and spirituality, kinesiology and the fundamentals of health and healing. Even through my brief experience with gym yoga, I have noticed significant improvements in my energy levels, immune system and musculoskeletal function. When my husband offered me a personal getaway as a Christmas present, I chose a yoga retreat rather than a spa experience or a silent retreat. I love any opportunity to travel and the natural beauty of the Santa Cruz Mountains enticed me. I booked the retreat within a day of his kind offer. Bless his soul for providing me with the opportunity!

III. Judith Lasater

You can find a wealth of information on Judith's background, teachings, writings and schedule on her website, http://www.judithlasater.com/. As quoted from one of her informational retreat cards, "Judith Hanson Lasater holds a Ph.D. in East-West psychology and is a physical therapist. She has been teaching yoga since 1971 and is the author of eight books, including Yogabody: Anatomy, Kinesiology, and Asana."

Judith radiates an uplifting persona and energy. She is a powerful presence. Like many gifted women, she is brilliant yet relentlessly self-deprecating. Personally, I relish self-deprecating humor. For me, Judith's distinguishing characteristic was her immediate ability to penetrate the surface of a student in order to confront that student's obstacles head-on. She possesses the spirit of a warrior in a female body, with the acquired ability to harness her razor sharp insight so that it edifies rather than cripples her students. For example, after Judith adjusted me in a particular asana and I thanked her for showing me the "correct" asana, she informed me that she doesn't like to use words such as "correct" because of the implication that someone else is "incorrect" or wrong. Judith managed to work this little piece of wisdom into the group instruction, while looking right at me: "You know how we bomb people with our minds? Do you ever do that? You can be driving along and someone cuts you off, and you bomb that person with your mind." I understood her message this way; believing firmly that we are right about something can cause violent thoughts, actions and words to arise. Bombing people with my mind is undoubtedly my greatest fault. Did I just write "undoubtedly?" Oh well. Thank you, Judith.

As I told Carol Banquer, one of Judith's longtime friends I happened to meet in the hot tub one afternoon, Judith has managed to balance 1) high level analytical reasoning and 2) intuitive knowledge that originates from the heart. This is a rare and precious quality. I aspire to attain it one day. Carol told me, "she has a few years on you."

True power calls for equilibrium between authority and deference, with a slight penchant for authority. Having navigated years of motherhood, marriage and professional achievement with a high degree of success, Judith has earned true power.

IV. Program Messages

A significant portion of Judith's teaching focused on anatomy and kinesiology. A good number of nurses, physical therapists and yoga teachers attended the retreat for continuing education. Since my academic background is in literature and law, the anatomy lectures caused my eyes to glaze over a bit. However, I do remember the term, "acetabulum" and I will try to adjust myself to maximize the fit between convexity and concavity. I truly wish that my athletic DPT sister-in-law could have teleported into these lectures.

In addition to teaching active and restorative asanas, the remainder of Judith's instruction focused on spiritual and psychological principles that help us to reach a place of peace and self-love, or as Judith would say, "positive unconditional self regard." I will list a few of her quotes and insights. First of all, our mantra at the beginning of each class was, "Yoga citta vrtti nirodah," which translates as "Yoga is the resolution of the agitations of the mind." One quote she gave us originated from another spiritual teacher, Yvonne Rand, a Soto Zen priest: "Does what I'm about to do take care of myself?" I found that one to be particularly helpful. To assist us in the arena of our relationships, Judith advised us thus: "Translate everything everyone says to you as "please" or "thank you." As Thich Nhat Hanh would say, "how wonderful" if we could manage to do this. Along these same lines, Judith gave us an enlightened elaboration of this sound bit of counsel: "Stop giving advice." Don't you just love the irony of advising people to stop giving advice? I do love the irony, and I definitely need to stop giving advice. On a very healthy and practical note, Judith challenged us to go to bed 30 minutes earlier each night to address the huge problem of sleep deprivation in our culture. My favorite original quote that Judith imparted to us was, "how human of me!" As I have been told in the past by lay Buddhist instructors, we would be wise to accept all of our thoughts, feelings and actions as they arise rather than entering into a negative cycle of judgment. Inevitably, we are going to experience thoughts, perform actions and speak words that later disappoint us. Not one of us is perfect. Since I have been saying, "how human of me," I am feeling much better about myself.

V. Mount Madonna Center

The Mount Madonna Center is an integrated creative and spiritual community covering 355 acres of the Santa Cruz Mountains between Gilroy and Watsonville, California. The community is inspired by Baba Hari Dass and sponsored by the Hanuman Fellowship. For detailed information and photos, please visit the website at http://www.mountmadonna.org/.

Baba Hari Dass is a monk and master yogi who has lived in the United States since 1971. He was born in 1923 near Almora, India in the state of Uttarakhand which borders Tibet on the north and Nepal on the east. He was classically trained in the traditions of Ashtanga Yoga and has maintained a vow of silence since 1952. According to some of the community members I met during the retreat at the center, he began his spiritual quest at the age of six. Baba Hari Dass is more commonly known to the Mount Madonna community members as "Baba-ji." He communicates with a chalkboard. He has authored many books himself, and he agreed to mentor a pregnant student, Jeannine Parvati, so that she could continue practicing asanas in spite of the traditional male yogic proscriptions against it. As a result, the first book in the Western world on prenatal yoga was published in 1974, Prenatal Yoga and Natural Childbirth. Baba-ji is now living at the Mount Madonna Center and presides over philosophy classes there. I was told that if I approached him for a mantra, I may have the opportunity to receive one the following day. Unfortunately I did not get the chance to see Baba-ji during the retreat, and honestly I am probably not spiritually developed enough to have fully appreciated his presence. Perhaps I will see him some day in the future and have the honor of asking him for a mantra.

The founding principle of the Mount Madonna Center is selfless service, hence all of the community members cooperate, volunteering their individual efforts and time to foster an effective environment for yogic practice, spiritual development, ecological preservation, education and hospitality. I noticed many single community members earning certification to teach yoga, massage or a Master's degree in Ayurvedic medicine. Additionally, I saw families with children living in the community and noticed that there was a school for kindergarten through high school aged children. Every community member I met spoke to me readily about his or her own experience and answered my questions about the community's shared values. I felt very welcome and safe during my stay.

Three notable highlights of the visit were the Kaya Kalpa Wellness Center, the Sankat Mochan Hanuman Temple and the Oaks Cabins.

The Kaya Kalpa Wellness Center provides high quality holistic health, massage and body treatments based on Ayurvedic medicinal principles. I received an Abhyanga massage with a Marma point face add-on. My treatment lasted nearly two hours and was exceptionally balancing and therapeutic. As I learned, Ayurvedic massage uses a large quantity of oil, but in spite of the amount of product used, the extensive experience of the therapist and the duration of the treatment, I was charged the customary price of a one hour Swedish massage with an add-on in the New York area (where I currently live). This is a definite incentive to return!

The Sankat Mochan Hanuman Temple is a sacred place of worship used primarily by the residents of the community and many Hindu visitors, although it is open to the public. As the name implies, the temple is dedicated to Hanuman, a Hindu deity. Hanuman is sometimes referred to as The Monkey God. I was told that his primary quality is selfless service, as reflected in the values of the Mount Madonna Center. As a visitor, I was invited to attend two daily services, one at 6:30 a.m. and the other at 6:00 p.m. I attended three of the evening services. These were joyful experiences of praise and worship of the Divine, complete with various musical instruments and beautiful bells hanging at multiple points across the entrance, perimeter and covering of the open air temple. I especially enjoyed ringing the bells. I also sang, or attempted to sing songs of praise which had been thoughtfully written out in the English alphabet with various accent marks to assist in pronunciation. I was invigorated and inspired by these rhythmic chants, which I believe were the Hanuman Arati. I plan to buy a CD containing the Hanuman Arati and the Hanuman Chalisa. At the end of the service, everyone was invited to receive the tilak forehead mark and to partake of the Prasad, which consisted of sweet foods placed into the hands to be immediately consumed. We were then invited to partake of blessed fruit from a large basket. I interpreted this as receiving the bounty provided for us by the Divine following our material offerings along with our offerings of prayer and worship. I loved the beauty and simplicity of the service and appreciated being allowed into a Hanuman temple as a woman since this is apparently forbidden in traditional Hindu practice.

The Oaks Cabins are one of the lodging options for visitors to Mount Madonna Center. Rather than sleeping in a dormitory with an indoor kitchen and plumbing, I chose a single cabin. I was very pleased with this choice. My cabin had hardwood floors and a lovely wood vaulted ceiling. It contained two firm single beds with comfortable bed linens. The cabin had indoor and outdoor lighting along with baseboard heating controlled by a thermostat. There was a shared bath house within short walking distance of the cabins complete with very clean toilets, sinks, showers and herbal bath products. Since I enjoy camping, this was more than comfortable for me. I saw deer walking around my cabin daily and enjoyed hiking up and down the trail leading to and from the central buildings. In my opinion, even a non-camper would enjoy the Oaks Cabins.

Anyone can visit the Mount Madonna Center for a personal or family retreat and I highly recommend it.

VI. Attendees

In my final section, I would like to thank not only Judith Lasater, her assisting teachers and the members of the Mount Madonna Center, but also everyone else who participated in the retreat with me. I met some extraordinarily bright, open and entertaining people. I will list a few of them along with their professional web links.

Michele Sahm, of Healthy Styles Inc.

Michele is a beautiful, energetic mother, wife and business woman I met at the first retreat dinner. I will not tell her age, but I would have never guessed that she was older than I am! She is the National Marketing Director for JuicePlus+ and her website is http://www.healthystyles.org/. Michele was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis as a young woman, and it was through her child's pediatrician that she discovered the natural alternative health products she now sells. She was fortunate enough to have Dr. William Sears as her family pediatrician. As many of you know, Dr. Sears, along with his two pediatrician sons, are brilliant innovators in pediatric medicine and William Sears a.k.a. Dr. Bill founded the now widely popular philosophy of Attachment Parenting. When Dr. Sears recommended JuicePlus+ products to Michele, she was hooked and has been taking them ever since to treat her RA. In addition, she is savvy about nutrition and like me, she practices Vinyasa yoga as one of several yogic practices. Her new vision is to open her own studio after getting certified to teach yoga. To watch her practice the asanas, one would already believe her to be a teacher. What amazes me is that she has achieved this level of physical health and balance after many years of living with RA.

Sonja Bjelland, Editor/Founder of Blisspassport.com

Sonja's new website, http://www.blisspassport.com/ is a brand spanking new enterprise dedicated to guiding seekers of yoga, spa and wellness retreats to the perfect getaway. Her business card reads, "Find Your Escape." Sonja attended my undergraduate alma mater for journalism school: The University of Missouri-Columbia (Mizzou-Rah!) Now that is one elite J-School. Ever heard of the Mizzou-Mafia? If not, ask around the industry. Ms. Bjelland is currently taking time out of the journalism world to start up her new site. I love her vision, so I plan to do some East Coast volunteer research for her since she currently resides in SoCal.

Judy McNeely, co-founder of Collegepathfinders.com

Judy co-founded a web business with her husband Dennis assisting prospective college students to connect with their unique gifts, talents and desires, ultimately leading them to a good college and a well-suited career path. I immediately connected with Judy since she was wearing a tee-shirt that read, "Comment vous sentez- vous aujourd'hui?" We began conversing in French and I discovered that Judy was formerly a French teacher...like me! We got some stares, but that was fine with us. Judy started up collegepathfinders.com following her retirement from teaching. She said some flattering and uplifting words to me that I will not forget. I told her that in my opinion her spiritual gift is the edification of others. Everyone can see her open heart in her smile, and I would have loved the benefit of her guidance when I made my first choice of vocation. She revealed her vision for me: teaching law and French in high school! I have worked as a lawyer and taught French in college, yet her idea is a better fit for me as a mother. In spite of Judy's suggestion, writing is the next career that I plan to manifest. An example of Judy's ever-young spirit: we shared the comical and exhilarating experience of hiking in a dense fog in the dark with one small LED flashlight. Her comment to me the next day was, "Last night was a blast!" I told her how I loved "night hiking" back in high school.

In parting, I cannot fail to mention Kirsten Ferries, a soulful and kind non-profit professional and volunteer, who also happens to be a mother and wife...AND... the endlessly entertaining Mr. Kam Mofid, the film buff, engineer and former executive who never failed to work a movie line into any conversation. Thanks to Kam, I learned a bit about Zoroastrianism and Iranian culture as well as green technology and off-the-beaten-path travel ideas. One of the high points of my retreat was a pre-breakfast hike with Kirsten and Kam to a nearby Buddhist monastery.

I hope to see some or all of my new retreat friends again, and I will think fondly of them as I recover from what Judith Lasater calls "retreat syndrome." Clearly, if you are looking for an excellent yoga workshop, seek out Judith Lasater, Mount Madonna, or both! If you do find a good retreat, make sure you tell Sonja Bjelland about it: skbjelland@gmail.com.

Signing off as a California dreamer planted here in New York,

Namaste,

Michelle Garrison Hough

P.S., please enjoy the following photos of Judith, her assistants, classroom instruction and some gorgeous views from Mount Madonna:

Avoiding Zombieland in Marriage

2010-01-02T20:22:00.000-08:00

I haven't given much thought to the topic of swinging lately, as in non-monogamous sex experienced within a married couple. We all hear the occasional joke about swingers, or say something in jest such as, "Oh, we didn't know you guys were into swinging!" Honestly when I hear the word, the first thing I think of is a kiddie playground, hence my surprise upon receiving an invitation to join a swingers club via my Meetup membership!

Perhaps you have heard of the internet networking site, Meetup. As you might imagine, like other cities the greater New York area has a fairly large number of participants looking to find like-minded individuals to share common interests. I first encountered Meetup.com upon moving to the suburbs from NYC with a new baby. I was looking to meet new moms so I got onto the mailing list for new parenting meetup groups. I initially joined two mommy groups, but now I ignore or delete most of the announcements. Luckily the title of the newest group caught my eye as I skimmed through my e-mails, finally giving me the full entertainment value that a Meetup account could possibly provide! Lo and behold, there in my inbox was a suggestion that I join "A New Meetup Group That Matches Your Interests," Married but not Dead. I giggled. As I read the group description, the giggling quickly accelerated into full-on laughter: "This group is for married men and women, 40 yrs and over who find themselves wanting to escape the married world for awhile and get out and have fun and socialize with people other than your husband or wife. We will have happy hours, dinners, and possibly weekend getaways. This is not geared for couples but as individuals. A photo is required, no exceptions. I will try to have an even ratio of men to women. Everyone will be screened to make sure you can be discreet and honest about who you are and why you joined. Your input is greatly appreciated. Ideas on meetup spots and times are certainly welcomed!" Holy Cannoli, I certainly did not think that my stay-at-home mother Meetup profile would qualify me as a candidate for Married but not Dead, but then I guess the show Desperate Housewives had to be inspired by some real life women, right? My only complaint about receiving this invitation is that I am actually not yet 40. I know, I know... in your late thirties people tend to round up, but I'd still like to hang onto a little bit of youthful freshness and innocence! Weekend getaways? Screening for discretion? All I can say is WOW!

Some people do speak of marriage as a sort of death, and I suppose it is, in a way. In order to get married we must die to our single selves. We cannot, or at the very least we are not supposed to hook up with co-workers, cruise bars for sex on weekends or chat up the dentist. I did have a friend once who wanted to ask her dentist out on a date. If she ever gets married, that opportunity is forever lost! We mourn the death of our single selves at bachelor and bachelorette parties. Personally, I think the guys get the better deal in that department since most women are simply too uncomfortable with the idea of male strippers, and female strippers are quite frankly much hotter than the guys.

A bit of superficial research on the topic of swinging turns up this amusing commentary from Wikipedia, "Swinging has been called wife swapping in the past, but this term has been criticized as androcentric and inaccurately describing the full range of sexual activities in which swingers may take part." Apparently swinging has a formally documented history dating back to the 16th century, and certainly just as solid a history dating back to the inception of marriage... it just wasn't that easy to transmit and preserve documents pre-Renaissance! Of course the ancient Romans had their share of fun orgies. What must it have been like to be a wealthy Roman? Maybe these new Meetup participants are looking to find out! If you are finding humor in this as I have been, do read the Wikipedia write-up on swinging. It is impressively comprehensive. I haven't been called a prude in quite a few years, but some of the swingers lingo was quite alien to me until today. Cuckolding is a familiar term, but I had never heard of "soft swap," "dogging," or "hot wife." Is it girlish of me to find these terms hilarious?

It would appear that most swingers clubs try to keep their groups private. At the top of the aforementioned group's page is a line reading, "sssshhhhhhhh!" Isn't it ironic that these groups are private when some of our most public figures are raging philanderers? My grandmother always said, "If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all," so I won't name names but a whole bunch of politicians, actors, preachers and athletes actively "swing" as a hobby. Anyone who has turned on the television or skimmed a single news publication in the past month might have learned something about a certain champion golfer! Why should everyone else have to keep this hobby private? I have always loved the truth of this scripture from the Christian Bible, "For nothing is hidden that will not become evident, nor anything secret that will not be known and come to light" (Luke 8:17). I wonder if Bernie Madoff ever read that one? Surely there's a Torah equivalent. Irrespective of our religion, we give credence to our ability to hide prohibited behaviors somehow knowing all the while these acts will eventually be uncovered. Perhaps that is part of the appeal! It must feel good to get caught in the act and then receive forgiveness. Is swinging just another stab at finding unconditional love under the banner of sex?

In her book, Grant Me a Higher Love, Cindi Sansone-Braff delves into the depths of conditional versus unconditional love in romantic relationships. She also analyzes many marriage and relationship traps that we all fall into; one of my favorites is what she calls the Everybody Loves Raymond marriage, wherein the partners relate to one another as Raymond and Debra Barone. I can think of many marriages I have witnessed that seem to follow that pattern. Repetitive domestic routines can quickly lead to the doldrums, and when you throw in the challenge of children--well, you know the rest of the story. Grant Me a Higher Love is an excellent relationship resource, but it certainly doesn't recommend swinging. I am not standing in judgment of swingers. If it was socially and culturally acceptable, I cannot say with certainty that I wouldn't do it myself. Being human makes it difficult to claim anything with certainty.

Do we really need swinging to stay alive in a marriage? Are we doomed to live as zombies if we follow the traditional pattern? I don't believe so. I believe that through delving into the best parts of ourselves and reaching the capacity to love ourselves and our partners unconditionally, we truly can be Married but not Dead, in the confines of our original vows. It is not the easiest path. It is not like following a cake recipe--but it is less complicated than a highly intricate web of extra-marital sex, be it consensual or not (i.e. cheating versus swinging!)

To close, I'll leave you with two funny "meetup topics" used as criteria for group participant selection: "Hip Parents," and "Discreet Friendship." I would love to be considered hip and when I really try, discretion is within my power but...I ain't no married zombie!

Volunteer Fire Santas!

2009-12-21T19:27:00.000-08:00

I just experienced some true Christmas joy that made me light up from the inside out. Unexpectedly, as I was getting my youngest son into his pajamas, we heard loud fire horns and sirens followed by "Ho! Ho! Ho! Me-r-r-r-r-y Christmas!" shouted over a megaphone. As I scrambled to the windows with my toddlers, the sound intensified. Sure enough, a convoy of the Dobbs Ferry Volunteer Fire Trucks turned the corner and slowly made their way down our street. The trucks were covered in colorful lights and the center truck had a large, illuminated Santa Claus sitting on top waving to every house. Needless to say, my boys were quite impressed.

Living in this town, I get constant reminders of why I should stay here. Today's reason is this display of selfless holiday cheer from a group of people who already go overboard giving their time and talents outside of their day-to-day jobs. The merry fire truck noises went on for some time, so I imagine that the volunteers were sure to cover the town from pillar to post. I thought about my son's nursery school classmates and the sudden excitement also playing out in their homes.

We won't be in Dobbs Ferry for Christmas this year, but more and more it is this place that I think of when I hear that song, "Oh there's no place like Home for the Holidays..."